Day- 49 I just wonder sometimes, Am I actually rude or rather in others words ‘Badtmeez’?

This is not the first time that I have been told by someone that ‘I am extremely rude.’ I have an easy temper and i lose it all the time but only with peole I am close to. Today it is different, someone said ‘main badtmeez hun.’am
Am i actually? After so many years and after being told by so many people, i think I should accept it. And, rather work over it. Problem is i use to think I am calm. Well, it is so not true. 

Day- 48 celebrity crushes

Everyone has celebrity crushes. It can be an actor, actress, director, writer, singer, journalist or politician. Options are just unlimited and in this age of social media, you have access to unlimited stars and it is easy to just fall in love with them everyday. I cannot count on fingers how many celebrity crushes I have. There is no number for them. But yes there has been this one constant since my childhood, it is Salman Khan.
I know, i know, whenever i tell people this, they give shocked wale expressions. But i have no control over my attraction for Salman. He is old now, around 48, not a very good actor and there are other things as well but I still love him. I stopped watching his movies long back because i knew i would dislike him and i never want to see him negatively. He is gorgeous and most handsome man for me. He is humorous too, and i like such people. I think it has nothing to do with his acting skills or looks. I just liked him the most as a child, ofcourse after watching his movies, he was good because back then. But now it is so because i have always liked him. There is this other actor, Will Smith, he is also my love. Both salman and Will Smith are my favourites. Anyways i spent so much time writing about Slaman, because i just finished watching big boss and i just feel more love for him, when i watch him on screen. And as Will Smith has always been my phone’s wallpaper, so he is always kind of infront of  me, and I could not have finished my ‘celebrity crush’ post without mentioning him. 

Day 47 - hard decisions

There are some days when you just lie down and think. Think about everything, think about others, think about things you do or you don’t do, think about your past, think about the present and the future to come.
Why do you do all this thinking? To change life, to retrospect, to delete things, to add things. No not for any of this. You think and you think hard when some decisions are to be made. I have been doing the same today. Unfortunately, i can never plan my decisions, they always have to be spontaneous, stupid and last minute. I have never made a single, conscious, well thought of decision in my life. But  i want to change that today. I have decided that i am going to live like this only for another 6 months. And after that if i am not happy about it, i will change everything about it, A to Z.

Yes, what that change is going to be? I don’t know yet, let the time come first. Anyways talking about unplanned decisions, i have to tell you this becaue i forgot to mention this when it actually happened. I had this exam atleast a month back, for which i had to go to mathura, the same day from Delhi. I had a 6 clock train and as usual i did not sleep whole night because i knew in winters i cannot get up at 4.30 am. So i watched random movies all night and did not sleep because i was so sure that i can manage staying up the next day. By 5 i started to feel sleepy but by then i had to rush, because my cab was already at the door. So i thought to myslef that no problem i can manag e. I reached within ten minutes at the station and in that 10 minute ride, all i wanted to do was to sleep. When i reached the station and i was waiting for my train, i had an hour to kill. The weather was really cold and sleep was all over my mind. I called up two of my friends asking them should i go if i am this sleepy. They said you should definitely go. But by then i had made my mind. I just cancelled my ticket. Now i had no choice, i took a cab and went back to my bed, off to sleep. Now one thing which i don’t understand is why i wasted cab money and ticket money, if i had to end up sleeping only. I don’t know if i gain anything with all this or not but yes this hellish undecisiveness  always cost me a lot.

Hope to see you tomorrow.

Day -46 coming back

So i guess i can never be regular with anything. But trust me i had problems, papa was not keeping well, semester exams and everything. You know things can not always be good and you cannot always stick to the schedule. Though i would give anything in this world to keep my mind stuck to something.

Shit happens because we think shit. What should i do? May be just stop thinking and atleast for a while i would be away from negativity. But then i am not overtly negative today. Today it is more like  a neutral day. I met two of my friends today after a long long time. And one of them kind of reminded  me that i have a blog which has to be updated. He mentioned something about my last post and that was like the big reminder i needed about you. So here I am. But what do i say? The same old problem. Yea tomorrow i will, now i better sleep. I feel like i am high on something but I am not. Trust me. 

Day -45 Relief

Finally, done with all the submissions. There is a sense of satisfaction when you are done with all you have planned. Well i am not a ‘planning the day’ kind of person. I do everything last minute. But there is one remorse this semester, i did not spend that much of time om my assignments as i would have liked to. Most of them were done superficially. You know when you read everything and do everything with a birdeye’s view and do not go much in detail. 

Anyways i am done so i am happy. Now i just want to get back to my old schedule. I will sleep like a log (a royal log, heard this expression recently in a movie, liked it way too much) today. Usually when i am doing my semester work, i take that as a holiday. I relax and sleep more then necessary and lots of other stuff as well. The two movies inhad said i would right about some day. Well today is not the day. Yeah, i recently watched ‘Sacred games’, great show. Cast was perfect. And, yeah all i wanted to do after watching it for straight 5 hours was to abuse more (give gaalis) to everyone. It kind of makes you adapt with those kind of words which you would otherwise normally cringe at. 

Overall, may be because of the mood, i enjoyed it much more then i would have originally have as it is not even that great. Just like this one day, i was too stressed out and went out  to watch a very ridiculous punjab movie (laung lachi). I found it very funny but no one from family liked it. 

day -44 pity

So i have been away for a long long time. My end semester exams are approaching. Lot of submissions, so i was plain busy. I am still not done with them but yes only two more to go. Anyways, so past few days have been busy plus full of stress. How is a personal jorunal meant to be? Am i to write everything here!?? If it is so then may be i should start doing it.
So there was this ex-roomate of mine, who was a friend once. I would rather not call her a friend because i never liked her much. You know how you get stuck into some unwanted friendships. Same thing happened here. I was stuck into it as i could not say it one her face that i did not like her at all. If she would have been a nicer person, it would have been easy. But no she was not - back biting, and one thing which i don’t get is some people’s problem with personal aggrandisement.
One day i got a chance and let it all out. I was glad of that because i got a chance to not to pretend anymore to like her.
All was done but becaue of some interaction we were forced to have, due to some group assignments, i was just stuck once again. Glad that is over too. Only one thing i ever want to say to her now is that ‘dude chill, everything is not about instagram and Facebook.’ Everything is not about putting up a show in front of people. Everything is not about begging people to like you. Everything is not about fake pictures, fake profiles. Everything should be about what is inside of you. You will not get peace by forcing people to like you and love you. You need to love yourself. I saw you, you were venomous about everyone, when you never liked them why did you try so hard to win their likeness. These things do not matter, what matters is satisfaction, which comes from inside and not by posting pictures online and telling people that you are so good.
Some times it really bothers me, some people’s craving for attention. Dude chill, relax!! Take a look at your life and try to be perfect inside out, and do not just try to appear perfect virtually or in crowds. By trying to isolate me, you are only isolating yourself.

Thats it! All i wanted to say. May be i am also letting out my anger only, may be i am wrong but that is how i felt. Plain and simple. The topic for me is over now. Enough time wasted on it. And now all i feel for her is little pity, which i know is wrong but i can not help it. Happy ending.

Other than that life is pretty simple. I need to go back to my routine, like, writing this blog and so much more. It is good to be back. Take care. I will see you tomorrow.i

Day-43 Fickle-minded

I know i said i would write everyday. But then i saw this article in the newspaper about journal writing, it said you do not have to write everyday. Write whenever you have time and when you have something to write. Plus keeping an entry like this sharpens your brain. So i got lazy and now i post when i am done doing all the stupid things which are not even important.

It is too cold here in jnu
I went home for diwali. It was not this cold there. I have stayed in jammu as well, but there is something special about delhi ki thand. I use to wonder whenever somebody use to mention how cold delhi is, but i realized it only when i came to jnu. Fond memories.

Anyways i have 5 term papers to write for my semester this time in like 4-5 days. And, i have no time. I have time but i waste it way too much. Amd plus you saw how fickle minded I am, i change my perceptions and opinions in seconds. I get carried away in minutes. That's it for today. I am going to sleep. Good night.

Day 42 - travelling

I hate travelling. I think it is the worst thing in this world. I want everything to be nearby or at a walking distance. I do not like the idea of travelling in a moving car, train, bus or two wheeler. It has not always been the same, there was a time i loved the journeys, now i don't. I think it comes with age, as you age, you tend to like movement or change of any kind, less.

There was a time when i would travel overnight and would still be active yhe next day. I liked the hustle bustle in lofe, crazy timings, odd sleep hours and 3-4 hours sleep was also enough. But now it is different, i like stability, a routine, continuous disruptions bother me a lot, i definitely need 8 hours sleep. Recently i had to appear for an exam, for that i had to go to Mathura, I had a train at 5.50 in the morning from Nizzamudin railway station. I would have reached the exam centre by 8.30 and 3xam started at 9.30 am. There was another exam in the afternoon and 2 hours waiting time in between. In the evening, i was suppose to take a bus back to Delhi.
The day before the train i did not sleep till 5, because i usualy do not sleep before 5. At 5, i had already reached the station but i was feeling sleepy. I called up two of my friends and told them i did not want to go for the exam, as all i wanted to do then was to sleep. They told me that if do not feel like going then i should not. Because i told them i would sleep during the exam or i will not get up in the train itself in 2 hours and would just miss the station. Finally, i cancelled my ticket at the station itself and by 6 in the morning i was back in hostel.

Something like this i woudl have never done an year or two back. But i did now. The paper is not the matter, it is about my changing personality.  Have i become more cautious and rigid about things. Have i lost my risk taking ability?? Did i not trust myself to be safe anywhere? I like few things about the new me but some i seriously don't.

Day 41 - posting early today

Hey!!

Why i believe in god? Am i a god fearing person or a god loving person? It might be a gross generalisation but i believe most of the people are god fearing only. I think that is why Bhagat Singh said in 'Why I am an athiest?' that people believe in god beacause they want some faith to rely upon, one they can turn back too. He said he had found his faith in something else so he does not have to rely on religion. He found his strength in this other but people usually depend on god for their strength.

This is the reason i believe people are mostly god fearing beacause they fear that they will lose their strength if they turn away from god or religion. And, i am no different, i fear him, so i believe in him. Two or three days ago i was thinking about this and thought to myself, why can't i just stop believing in him when i am not sure of his existence and when i know that it is something which has been created by the society.
But i just do not have the courage to dissociate myself from him because i feel i will lose something important if i turn an atheist. This is the end, may be one day i will.

Day 40

Hey!!

Tired!! Had a long day. I have to get up really early tomorrow, so probably i would just go to sleep now. I had thought about writing whether i believe in god or not? I guess i will write about it tomorrow now.

So, bye!!!

Day 39 - agression

Hey!!
Sometimes i think that this blog should be not about agression at all but then there are times when i feel so frustrated that all i wish to do is to shout out loud and tell that person to just fuck off.

There is this person i hate so much these days, though i never had good feelings about that person but earlier i was neutral. Now i have deep anguish. What did that person do? The answer is not simple, it never hurted me personally but even the normal acts of that person irritated me so much that all  i always wanted to do was to slap that person. I can never be on good terms with people who try to dictate my life or would want me to do things according to them. Their constant criticism about me which is not upfront but indirect and subtle, the way they try to project me as someone not so appropriate irritates me. Such people would praise you and talk behind your back. I hate such people who think they are just perfect and rest everyone is a chutiya.

My only question to them is 'if you are so perfect why do you have to advertise it so often?' Why do you have to prove it to people? And, the answer is because you are not so perfect and your insecurities about being considered less then perfect by others, make you do all that. It is the imperfection in you which makes you talk about others behind their back. And that is the reason i do not have to give justifications to people but you have to because you are so wrong and you know it.

Bye.

Day 38- Movie night

Hey!!

So i have been away for a long long time, was caught up in too many things. I hava a lot to tell. Anyways, today was not exactlt a movie night, i had to do two movie reviews for my class assignment. I haven't written those yet because they have to be six pages long each but i did watch both the movies today.

Trust me, they were no delight in the start. I got this assignment months back but i did not have the courage to pick up them till now. One was this 1954, american movie called 'Salt of the earth' and the other was 1991 movie 'Straight out of brooklyn'.
I was not excited about any of them because of the imdb rating of the later one, it was around 5.1 out of 10 and the first one because it was a black and white movie.

I am not averse to black and movies but then who would want to watch a movie on mill workers in black and white. If it would have been something like devdas, i would have given it a thought. But i was wrong, 'never judge a book by its cover.' Both the movies were strong and left some dilemmmas in  mind.

Straight out of brooklyn was about a boy named Dennis and his family, they are blacks living in still a segregated society. While for millions of americans, american dream is all about success, for people like dennis, who are black and also come from poverty, know of only one way to achieve the AMERICAN DREAM i.e. through joining the streets and illegals. That is what dennise sets out for  but returns back empty handed. It was a comment on the american society or the government or the segreagation as such, i really cannot say but it did make a social point. The movie touched me when Dennis' father says, white men have eaten my life just like my father's and grandfather's life and now it is going to eat my son's life too. And it did happen as he feared.

The second movie, salt of the earth, i could relate to it more. It addressed two things - women's right within the bigger milieu of men's rights and also the exploitation felt at the hands of big miners and capitalists. It was banned in america as it is a huge blemish on American capitalism. Set in new mexico, a mining company hires both Mexican and Anglo miners but differentiates between the two. ANGLOS have better housing, sanitation, benefits, salaries and work conditions. So the mexican workers one day go on a strike but they never include womens demands in their agenda. Strike goes on for months and then comes the court order that miners cannot strike in front of the mine. So, women come up with an idea that they will stand in front of mine instead of men as they are not mine workers. In this context, the questions of women subjugation and need for their rights crops up in every sphere. Women vote for the first time at trade union meeting, people from across support this effort and it goes on for a time. Women capture the movemnet and men do not like it but they realize in the end that together only they can ward off all the evils. Strike is won. It was an epic and i liked this one a lot. Though the heavy mexican accent was difficult to understand at times.

It was a night well spent and i wrote a lot, and i enjoyed watching these movies alone. Now i got to go sleep  it is 6 in the morning and i am very sleepy. I have to get up early tomorrow. Big things coming up.

Bye!!

Day 37 - old romantic songs

Hey!

Old songs in the background,  a cup of coffee and writing your diary at 3 in the morning, ideal life. Sometimes little things in life give you peace. I am not a fan of music, but at times they are beyond serenity. Thougn i  do not know what actually serenity is, it is a feeling, i guess. Nothing can match it.
I love this song by Leonard cohen, 'suzanne', it has been my favorite for a while now. Usually, i only play this song. Today is different, it is like i just found my love for music. Other than this life has come to a pause, not much is happening.
Same old people and same old life. I went to 'india coffee house' today, it is one of my favorite places in jnu. I can sit there alone for hours with a cup of coffee and a book. What i read there does not matter, even a newspaper would do. Even the hustle-bustle of people coming and going, sound of person washing the cups or the loud noise of exhaust fan becomes a part of the silence and peace that surrounds me there. There is never a rush to leave that place, never!! I feel the completeness of life sitting there in front of greenry and peacocks which show up one after one other in moments of silence.
There are some places in life which always give you that kind of love and serenity. I found mine here.

Day 36

Like most days it was uneventful. I spent most of the day in my room, so not much to talk about. I cannot even thinkmof anything right now. So, i guess i will just say goodbye. !!

Day 35 - do you think only organised life is good life?

Hey!!
Do you think discipline is must? Of course, any army person would say yes without any hesitation. But what about us ? Do you agree that a fixed routine, getting up at same time, eating same food, same activities  tend to get boring after a while.

I read ' vernoica decides to die' in my 12th standard. It had a small story about a housewife, who went into depression because she could not just cope with the regularity of her life. She had a good life, a rich husband, loving also, two perfect kids, a perfect house, no health issues but she went into depression because she did not know what to do with this everday perfect life. The book was full of small stories with mental patients suffering from some issues which majorly revolved around losing the will to live because they could not cope up with the 'normal' life, which we work for normally. What was wrong with these people? I still do not get it.

This book left a deep depression on me and post that I stopped reading any of Paulo Coelho's books. Since forever now i fear routines, i hate settled life, i just feel i am going to end up like one of his characters if i will get settled in a particular way. I do not know whether i will get out pf it or not but i know i want peace now, an ending. But then i fear, that  perfect ending would just be the end of everything for  me. Big dilemma!!

Bye!

Day 34- not much to say

Hey!

For the past two days, wifi has not been working properly so i was not able to post anything. Also, i did not have much to tell.
I had a very lazy day today but yesterday was interesting. I met three of old friends yesterday after a long time. It was fun. We went to PSR (this is a place in JNU, i really enjoy spending quality time there) and sat for like 3 hours and talked and talked. PSR is like a hilltop, which you get in the middle of a city like delhi. You can sit over large rocks and the fresh breeeze continues to flow through your hair, it is very serene. You can just sit there for hours and look at how small the world is.

It gives you a perspective to think about things when you look at them with open eyes and mind. One big problem with my generation and the ones next in line to me is that we are not very insightful. We look at things partially, accept them and then continue to believe them. We never bother looking at the other side. We are in such a hurry to get past the things that we fail to access and reflect upon our own decisions, judgements and situations. We pretend to be cool, not so judgemental like our parents or grandparents. We believe we know everything because we are modern but we fail to see that we do not know how to look at the whole picture. We live in the age of internet and social media, we have lost the power to question. We do not question, we just think we do. We raise issues for the sake of raising them up. Few days ago i saw people updating posts like 'we will miss you @deepak mishra' (former CJI) and there were n number of updates like that. But i am not sure if all of them know what he has added to your lives, which will make you miss him so much. This was the same chief judge you were criticising few days back when the issue of Master of Roster came out. We live in a blindfolded world, where when it is taken out, we see certain things, we accept them and then we are blindfolded again and the story goes on. We never get the whole story and we never bother to go after it. We are just okay with the peeks we get.
This is the reason, we so readily chose to ignore Indu Malhotra's verdict in the Sabarimala case because it was not a popular opinion . We might even chose to call her anti feminism, or use other words like that because she gave an unconventional view which was not popular, not revolutionary and not expected out of a woman. What we fail to see is the depth of her argument?
And this is because we have become habitual to half truths and baised perceptives.

Bye!!

Day 33- jealousy

Hey!!

'And what can i tell you? My brother, my killer!!
I can only say i miss you, i love you.' - while listening to this song, all i have been thinking about is the past, i miss now. There are some animosities, jealousies, angst against some one, whose name i do not even want to take. Not a lover, not a friend, not a he, not a she, it was some one more of a companion and less of a partner.

I wish i could talk more about it but those feelings can not find the right expression, not now, perhaps never in life. Some things cannot be understood, not in words atleast. Those days are cherished, remembered and wondered over day and night. The talks are revisited again and again. The reasons are debated and cross questioned. But It never comes to an end. The closure is near , we will meet someday somewhere, the air of silence will blow for a while and then it would just rain down in tears of joy, remorse and love. Everything would just settle down then.

Bye !

Day 32 - wishful

Hey!!
It would not be wrong to call this day wishful. I have wished for many things today, i don,'t want all of them to get fullfilled as some are really brutal (not for me, for others).
Temper is a bad omen. I always fear my temper, i know when it will raise its' head, i will not spare anyone. I will not care for anyone and anything at that point of time. I have worked a lot on it over the years. It was really bad in the start, i still remember my childhood, if under any condition i got angry, i would just quit eating, not even if mumma cried in front of me. Nobody could calm me down then.

But now things have changed i have learned to calm down myself. Though some times it is not easy but still I am way better now. Now i just go quiet and i avoid talking till the time i feel composed. One of my friends hurt himself really bad due to this issue. He got angry, one of these days and it was severe. He lost it so bad that he was in ICU for two days because of the stress, his heart beat slowed down so much that his heart could not pump blood properly. It was only agression which pushed him into this. If not treated on time, he would have either gone into coma or suffered some kind of paralysis. Thank God, he is fine but the enemy which needs to be treated is this anger and agression, which could have costed him his happiness for life.

I too need to tackle my anger because i do not have a very strong heart and it cannot take this much stress. So just avoid conflicts and agrression. It is easier to have straight forward confrontations. Happy festival season.

Day 31- Feeling sick

Hey!!
I almost slept through out the day. It was a lazy day, may be because of the periods. Two-three days back, some of my friends were sitting around and we were talking about something called 'Penis envy'. This term was part of Sigmund Freud's pscyhoanalysis (might be factually wrong). According to Freud, women suffer from 'penis envy'. I do not know exactly what he meant by that but something like women feel less compared to men because of not having a penis.
Also he mentioned something like women generally strive for men's attention and that is the reason they pay excessive attention on their looks, dress and makeup while going out.

He is correct but this is not only true for women, we can generalize it for both the sexes. Anyways, so one of my friends asked this question, do you actually envy it? And this is the reason I am writing this post, because i really don't know. Also the problem is why this question is only about men and women, there are other genders as well. Not every gender feels inferior to men. So this generalisation of Freud is completely wrong and biased, set in patriarchal mindset of his days.

There have been times when i have felt the need to be more like men because they enjoy this hegemonic position, which we are bound to envy. There have been occassions when I have questioned why girls have to go through this monthly ordeal of periods where as boys have no worries like that. Also there have been times, when i have just wanted my breast to just disappear because of the way men look at them and i still want that.

But i have never envied their masculinity, it is helplessness of my own feminity in such situatons which i have questioned. Everything has been unfair from the start, my brother getting more freedom, the physical pains associated with being a women, the fear felt due to the constant attacks of men sneering at you.

And this brings me to Freud, how could he analyze what women felt without ever going through it. I think only a women could have expressed these inequalities in a better way and not in the male terms like he did. Rather then 'penis envy', it should have been something like ' more gender neutral if a women or some one who went through it actually would have described it. But then world has always been unfair to some, those who really need to speak, never get the chance.

Bye!

Day 30- A month ago

Hey!
It is the 30th day. I did this for the whole month, a good start!! 
It was an enlightening day, got to know a side of myself I had never seen before. You always know new things about yourself with every passing day. Journey is not only about exploring life and others but also about finding yourself. I feel I am on track. Touchwood!!
It is 15th today, no 16th, I did not notice it is already past 12. Tomorrow is mummy's birthday. I have never been much of a gift giving person, only to very close ones. But this year I gifted things to many people I would have never bothered otherwise and also took gifts from some I did not want to. This is the reason I hate taking and giving gifts. It becomes an obligation after a time and I hate it.
Most of the people close to me, their birthdays fall in these months, so these days are little special for me. I have been thinking of writing a letter to Akshay for a long time. Only thing i fear is that he will probably not reply and that will break my heart. I have always wanted to write letters to someone, who would reciprocate in the same way. But never found anyone. There is an old time charm about letters.
I watched this serial once, 'Durr-e-Shehwar', it had a sequence of letter exchange between a father and a daughter. I just loved the way they exchanged their in depth feelings and love through letters. I was in the awe of it for a long time, and I still am.
I started hating letters when I had to write letters to my  chacha and chachi forcibly. I always wanted to write to someone i could relate to and writing to them was a big burden. I was quite young back then, perhaps im 5th or 6th standard and i was asked to write letters to them, telling them how I missed them and blah blah. Some day i will tell you the story, why i was made to write those letters. But this didnot mean i hated letter writing, i loved it but never got a chance to write them to right kind of people.
I also loved this movie I watched once, the name I cannot recall right now, in it two strangers start to exchange letters through pobox and become pen pals for life. I haven't found my pen pal yet but the hunt is on.

Bye!!

Day 29- Everything has a start

Hey!!
Mummy sent me a picture today, which had a picture of many vessels lying together and all of them were upside down. In the caption, it was written you will find every vessel upside down but you have to look for one amongst them which is not upside down. I looked for it and found one. Then I read the caption further and it said now when you will look at the other vessels you will find them all lying in normal position. I looked at the picture again and even if I tried hard to see them again as upside down, I just could not.

This is how life is, at times you find everything is imperfect and against you. Then one day a door opens, or an opportunity arrives and your life starts to looks beautiful again, your positivity returns. The same way round are your relationships in life. You like someone and you like everything about them. Later, when you see one fault in them, everything about them starts to appear negative.
It is all about perceptions. If you look positively, you find it and if you do not then everything turns negative. Today I might be looking at things negatively but tomorrow I might not. The idea is to develop the art to look at things in a good sense and then the zestness  of life will always surround you.
Happy thoughts!!
Bye.

Day 28

Hey!

Time does not wait for anyone!! I have realized that but not accepted it. Somebody said to me once, perhaps he was quoting somebody else, it was something like, ‘if you are finding perfection in every thing, or any profession, you are bound to fail.’ 

I am struggling with that very thing. So far all I have been doing is seraching for that perfection. But I am failing miserably. There is no thing as perfection. No claims of Plato or any of the thinkers to find perfection or perfect knowledge is complete and devoid of any reality. 

This takes a lot of time to understand but it is not hard. 

But i feel it is impossible to give up on this. This one thing, I have craved for all my life so far, to find that perfection, joy and peace. I don’t know whether I will ever succeed or not. But i do not and won’t give up on it, no matter how much people continue to discourage me. 

Day 27

Too tiring!! I have been up for too long and I was not expecting to give in this much of effort to this project. But I had to, no other option. I said yesterday I have some things to say.

One of my good friends, texted me asking how I was?? I met him through facebook only and we have met twice or thrice. And since then we have been good friends. I tell him things quite openly. Generally, i do not hide my feelings or opinions from anyone. So i never had a problem telling him anything. He knows I loose interest in things easily or you could say I have not found my true passion for anything. I have been switching from this course to another and professions also for years now. 

People here do not accept that easily. It might have been more acceptable somewhere else. So he asked me about my plans on marriage. I said I do not know yet. He said I fear that you will not stick to him (my boyfriend). I asked him why do you think so?? I wanted to know why anybody would think like that about me even after knowing me so well?? He said because you give up on everything. 

I know I do that but I was astounded and sad with that reply. I do not know whether it is a problem, something normal or abnormal? I once watched this video, Ted talks video which was forwarded by a friend. It talked about multitalented people. 

It talked about how I was not abnormal but multitalented, which was something normal for people like me. Though, I try hard to believe hard in this but there are so few people to support it that i am not confident about it anymore. And, when questions and expressions like this come my way from friends, i again turn melancholic. I am back from where i started, still trying to understand what really life means to me and how I would want to live it and spend it. 

Day 26

Hey!!

How do I start today? Inhave two- three thoughts going on in my mind for the past few days and I am thinking about talking it all. Not everything in this post, but in the days to come as well.

So, it all happened when I was working with ABP news channel. I was assigned reporting. I use to go everyday along with one cameraman, driver and camera equipment, to the field. This one day I was assigned with some story but I had to go with another cameraman, not the one I had come with to the field that day. Some mis-communication happened and this new cameraman did not bother informing me about his where abouts and about his assignment with me. When I got to know, i informed my senior that so and so happened. So, this cameraman got angry and when he met me in the evening few days later, he threatened me indirectly. He said soemthing like I carry a gun and can use it anytime I want and some other shit stuff. 

I did not know what to do about it. I informed my reporting head and she called him up and gave him a good shouting, he never dared to talk to me again. 

But the point which I want to make is I was working there for the  past 4 months and I was not aware of my rights as an employee. Luckily my boss was a lady and she made it a point that the particular cameraman never misbehaves again. I was never assigned with that cameraman again. Yesterday I was reading about the origin of ‘Me too’ campaign and the ongoing seige in bollywood. Plus an article was there on Sexual harrasment at workplace act. All I know is while I was on job, I was not aware of this act or how and when I could use it. What are the situations when I am expected to complaint so that unusual behavior liket this happens. And, what according to them is the defintion of sexual harrasment? Being a journalist, I was not aware of anything, and I expect there would be millions, who do not know iota about this act? Then what is the point of enacting such lawss when people are not aware about it or would never know how to use them. My office gave me and internahip every work detail and every department but they did not have any orientation class or anything even near to that on my rights as a employee, on this act or anything which would make me feel secure on a workplace. 

There is a huge need of not just talk but about awareness as well. 

Bye!! 

Day 25

Good morning!! 

So i have moved onto mornings for writing these days. It is good morning. Though I am having a slight difficulty in answering some weird questions but then I will have to atleast for some days. 

The mood is great, still i would want to write about some hypocrites. There were certain people in my life who were too sweet to me to handle and then turned venomously ugly. The problem is confrontation is over but still that one pretends to be sweet at times and bitchy at others. 

I really do not understand such people. Do they do this for good impressions or what? I don’t know. I mean you always either hate a person or like a person, ye in between wala, I do not get. Anyways my advice would be itna pretend kroge toh kaam nhi chalega. But the irony is ‘kaam chalta bhi aise logo ka hi hai.’ 

Anyways I am going, Bye. I am having some issues with wifi. So i don’t know when I will be able to post this. 

Day 24

Shit!! I don’t know when i fell asleep last night. I forgot to update, I don’t want to fail in the challenge so I am posting this one up, really early. So what should i tell?? As I am up early and i can see the morning sun, i feel very lively. It is little cold I am still on my blanket but the door to the balcony is open so cool breeze is coming in and I can see how green everything looks in the morning.

I am not much of a morning person. I have always liked to sleep in the morning and let it pass till it becomes the afternoon. But there have been days when i have been awake all night just to see the morning sun rise. This one time in chandigarh i was up all night and then around 4.30 i was about to sleep. I went out to fetch something and i saw the little shimmery orangish light slowly going up from in the mountains. I could see mountains from the place i was staying in then. I saw that beach scene and i just could not go back to sleep again for two hours. I just sat there and kept lookinh at it. I am not a morning person but i do love mornings. Every now and then i need to see one, to realizehow beautiful this life can be. 

Bye !! 

Day 23

 Another day, another test!!

Today everything was calm after all. I went to Saket mall today and this movie was being played in the, so i stopped to watch the movie. It was E.T.- The Extra Terrestrial by Steven Spielberg. It is a kids movie but i enjoyed watching it. It was way too emotional. An alien is left in on earth and he meets this cute little boy who tries to hide him and protect him. It reminded me of Hritik Roshan’s ‘Koi Mil gya.’ 

I am just furious with Bollywood’s commercial non-creativity, which only revolves around money. The connect i could make with that child in the movie, i could never do it with Hritik Roshan’s character. They should have stuck to the original if they were copying. I means kids would have enjoyed much more if a small child had played that role. But no! In bollywood it is all about casting the famous stars, no matter how unfit they are for the role.

That was it about the movie. Yeah one suggestion i would give everyone is to please watch Spielberg’s ‘Schindler’s List.’ It is one of the most creative, well directed and great movies, I have watched till date. 

Bye

Day 22

Hey!

Long day and very eventful or rather a better expression would be tragedy laden. I shouted at some of my classmates for something which I don’t know was whether right or wrong?? But I have a feeling that if I would not have done that, i would have continued feeling weak. May be the overall behaviour was wrong!! But not what I said? 

I just did not want to get into a fight but at the end of the day, my temper follows me where ever i go and eventually it happens. I have this problem i cannot keep my feelings hidden for long. If I do not believe in something, or someone, i can not hide it for long. I will express it through my behavior or with outbursts like these. I think that is how things work with me. Whether one likes it or not, that is not my problem. After all I am not here to pacify everyones demands out of me. I am here for  myself and that is how I go? 

This same thing happened with me, when i was taking coaching. I had this really bad teacher, who had just started teaching. The teacher I had joined for stopped teaching altogether and had put this new one in his place. I saw this new teacher teach for one day, 2nd, 3 rd and 4th day. Then i avoided class when he was taking. Many students found him faulty and attendence for this teacher declined. In two or three days the old teacher came to the class and asked what problem do we have from the new teacher.? I got up and just said that the new teacher is not efficient, he has not yet learned to teach (if it is a skill). Plus he does not have any coherent lecture structure and he skims through notes before dictating a line. Overall he rabbled and i had not paid my fees to help learn somebody to teach especially and be an experiment for him. I don’t know what he thought about me. But i am just happy, i said what I wanted to.

Day 21

It was the worst day ever, nothing can be worse than this. I want to let all go. But then anger will just continue to pent up. I hate this teacher of mine. I think he is the worst worst teacher ever. Stupid, idiot, jerk, filthy, leering man, who talks nicely only to girls. I am not saying all this because he said anything to me but he behaved rough with a friend for all the wrong reasons.

I want to say so many things to him. I want to call him all the names in this world I can, Bastard, asshole, fucker, etc. etc. I don’t wish to see his face in my life but I have no option. Wish! God would grant me just one wish and I will just wish for him to disappear in hell. He is much more dirty than a dirty rag. I can only think of abuses for him right bow and nothing else. So, I will just stop here and continue tomorrow. Bye!! 

L

Day 20

Hey!

Usually, I am sleepy around this time but today I cannot even think of anything other than good sleep. Unfortunately i cannot, i have to help with the compilation of my group research project. 

It is always difficult to work in groups. There are around 8 people in my group and almost everyone is not willing to take the intiative to take this project in the right direction. One person did but he was cornered down by some when  criticism came their way. I wish it was an individual thing or less number of people were involved. It would have been way better. 

And this brings me down to the conclusion why Marx’s communism is such a failure because something held in common would always suffer. If it would have been an individual thing, people would have made much more effort. All the groups in my class are having similar issues of non-participation. Irony is some of the member are self declared ‘leftists’, which pokes me to ask them do you even believe communism can work successfully when it failed to work in a group of 8 peole. I just wonder! 

M

Day 19

Great day with great food. I went out for dinner today. Though nearby only but this place is very cosy and food is too tasty. Once in a while, i like to go out of campus. Other than that, met many friends today, usually i meet one or two persons (same ones) everyday. Nice change!

Anyways, going ahead, i donot have much to add on. I did watch ‘Manikarnika’s’ trailer today, not very happy with it. There is too much of Kangana Ranaut on one screen. I do not get it, whenever people make biopics, directors tend to forget people that will get bored with the same person’s face coming up every other second. They fail to comprehend this thing and do this repeatedly. This is the reason, i hated ‘Sanju’ ( for that there are a number of other reasons as well)  so much. 

I am also not a big fan of biopics usually. They tend to tell the whole story from one person’s face while there are others as well who contribute to it and make it a wholesome life. Usually it is the role that person plays in society which sums up his life. The individual alone will not generate interest in everything. 

Any great king could not have great by his own virtues only, behind him stand his employees, his family, his teacher and many others, who play a role in his becoming, what is aspired for? 

Directors today forget that. I like stories which are more in documentary form, which tells you a story through others and leaves you with a thirst to know more. Films unlike documentaries, try to fill you up with everything and you do not feel the urge to know more about it. Anyways if I would have been a moviemaker, I would have followed the later trend. Bye!! 

Day 18

I have crossed more than 15 days and i am looking forward to completing this challenge, full 365 days. I got up really late today, around 1 in the afternoon. Since I have come to JNU, i have seen many people who criticise me for  waking up late as if I am wasting my whole day.

I don’t get it, if i slept around 7 in the morning, how can one wake up at 9 in the morning or whatever is their standard of getting up on time!! I was having a conversation about this with a  friend recently and he said people judge you by your routines. How can one tag a person as less ambitious or lazy or insincere (i am using these words because they have been used for me, indirectly), just because the other person is little unorganised, irregular or not a morning person? I have always seen people who get up early criticising others for not being early birds? 

I don’t get it, just like your gender does not define your strength or weakness, in the same way your unorganised life should not bother anyone. I hate such judgementalists. I have only one thing to say to them, you only need a reason to look down upon others. 

I have seen most creative people in this world with the most unorganised sleep patterns and lives but still the excel. I am not trying to make a generalisation here that the regular ones do not make it to the top. Then why do they have to? I just don’t get this hypocrisy. 

Also, i have been told many times that I am boring or not so full of life because I don’t go out much. I don’t get it. I don’t like going out much. I need a place to converse with people I like, for that I don’t have to necessarily go to fancy places and eat. I can have the same conversation over a cup of tea (at a dhaba) then over a 300 rupees coffee. I don’t like fancy places, more importantly i don’t like the idea of travelling to far places. I donmt want to be criticised for my lifestyle. Please stop doing that. I go when i have to. I am just bursting with anger today, so I am stuck with this thing today. 

I am a person who likes mess, i like unorganised things, i like things when they are just lying around and not in their place. Order makes me feel chaotic and chaos in things makes me calm. How hard is it for people to understand? I just don’t get it. 

Day 17

I am awake at 4 in the morning. I hate doing this but then there are days when you can't sleep and are binge watching your favorite shows. It was not a very great day. I want to write more but I really feel sleepy now. So i am just going to end it here and would continue with something interesting tomorrow. And, like everytime when I am about to end, something comes up and i continue this.

It is about relationships. I am not in a very good phase of my relationship. It is going through a rough patch right now. It has always been, I donot know whose fault it is? But i just feel sometimes it is your destiny which pulls you apart. I thought a lot about it today but i JUST DON'T KNOW how to put it in words. There are some pent anger, remorse and love lost between the two of us. We do not really match up on every issue, there is a huge communication gap. Most importantly, we have not met for more than one and a half year. Long distance is hard. There was a time when I use to think what is so hard about it? And, now I know. It is just hard to carry on something which you cannot rely on completely. I can call him up, tell him everything but the presence is missing. Same goes for him. We can be there for each other but then we cannot be everywhere. I hope it is just a phase and it will pass soon. I did not want to write about this here but then I know it is more like a personal journal and less like a blog. 

Day 16

It was a normal day. I have not much to say. I have an exam on Monday morning and the day was spent mostly revising the old concepts. This one thing has been bothering me which I cans share, it is the  ‘permanence’. I ways thought once you like or start to hate (strong word) something, it will be like that forever. But no only change is the permanent thing. Be it mentally or physically, feelings and body degenrates and regenerates on it’s own, it  is cyclical. Nothing will stay the same.

I can think of this line by Rumi which was something like ‘whenever i step out of the river and step in again, it is not the same river, it changes.’ It is quite disheartening. Love, hate, people dear to you, friends, partners, family and emotions, no one will be there forever. Then why do we bound ourselves in emotions when you know it won’t last long. The pain that will follow will be unbearable and still we go on with life. Every man/woman knows this and still they continue to forge bonds and try to live life, the way they know it best. 

I on the otherside try to and pretend to be detached, i hava no control over it but still i try to. Because i fear, what it follows. More pain!! 

Day 15

Everytime i sit to write, I go blank. The whole day I keep telling myself, I will write about this, i will write about that and when I actually start, bland!! I hope this happens with all those who write regularly. There is one thing which has been on my mind the whole day, so i will talk about that only.

I watched this movie called ‘To the bone’ today, i was just looking for soemthing to watch and then I just came across this one. I watched first ten minutes and I was hooked to it. It was a about a girl, who named herself ‘Eli’ and was suffering from anorexia. I could relate to it because over the years I have taught myself to dislike food. I loved sweets once and now I can not even bear a bite of anything chocolatey, sweet. I loved coke (Soft drink), chips and butter when i was in my teens and now I hardly touch them.

It is not like I am loosing my weight drastically and I don’t eat at all or i exercise a lot but I have lost my taste forever. I only eat for the sake of eating and when I am hungry. But looking at Eli and other people in her group, I was horrified. I could have been there if I had not stopped myself. I still remember those days when i use to walk and walk and practically lived only on tea. I use to cycle a lot and eat only two chappatis a day. And then one day I blacked out, while getting up. I hurt myself pretty bad on head and neck. This happened once again and I somehow felt that i should not completely quit eating. 

I will not say I live a completely healthy lifestyle now but now i go out and eat. I take my meals regularly, though i have lost my taste for food completely. I never drool for food. You might call it healthy but i will still call it sick because it is what we live for ( I am just saying this, i don’t practice it) and I have lost interest in this very important thing only.

When I watched Eli or Ellen today, i saw my craziness in her. I use to count calories of everything i ate in a day and kept myself in check to not to eat more than 2,000 calories a day. This problem I guess many teens go through, and it happens with societal pressure. It is mostly not even questioned or considered unhealthy because our society has set these standards of thin and fat, where thin is compared to beauty and fat with ugliness. I won’t say I am completely cured because still I go crazy if my weight goes over 55. And i do not how many are struggling over this, just like me. 

This problem which society, parents and us all do not understand has completely gone unnoticed by others as well. I am sure many can relate to my story. And, i will blame all this on the idea of beauty which this society has set on us. Fair complexion, thin body and  decent character are the attributes set for girls ( boys too), which one finds very difficult to distance herself from. I am also a victim of it and has also given my tacit consent to this structure which allows it to perpetuate.  I just hope  to take it back some day, when I will understand completely how unnerving, unhealthy and sick it is. 

Day 14

It has been 13 days since I started writing this daily blog. It is very difficult to think of a particular title everyday and then stick to it. Since i started it as a daily challenge, I would only number the days completed.

It was a funny day. I woke up beaming today, full of smiles. I had an exam which I was not much prepared for but that is how they usually go. Rest of the day was full of incidents, not many but a lot at the same time. 

I was watching this episode of ‘zindagi gulzar hai’, it is daily soap kind of thing but it has only one season with 20 plus episodes. I enjoy it because it is closer to life and relates to so many things we face in everyday living. Kashaf (the lead) tells her sister that ‘ zindagi ki azaishyen (mushkil) hain ki khatam hi nhi hoti, har baar ek nayi musibat, jab bhi pichli khatam hoti hai toh lagta hai ab zindagi asan ho jayegi lekin zindagi hai ki kabhi asan hoti hi nahi hai.’ It is so true, I may not be quoting her verbatim but I cannot put it in more beautiful words than she did. 

We take life as life and we wait for it to get smooth but it never does because it is life. I can relate to almost everything Kashaf  feels in that show ( expect for, in the  post marriage scenario). 

Exam pressure

Hi,

I am busy with my mid semesters examinations. I have the most difficult one tomorrow and I wanted to update an old article, I had written once, to save time but I cannot find it now. So, I am just writing a small one today. It is more like a diary entry as I cannot really think of something to talk about at this point of time. I always promise myself that I will study way before the exam next time but I always end up leaving it to the last day. I have always said I hate exams but inside I just love them. I believe they are the days of most activity and curiosity. They are just crazy, they never leave you pondering over things like ‘what is life?’, ‘ what is happening around the world?’. It is like an escape from the ardous daily life. I hate them because i love them so much. I wish I could have exams every month, they should be made regular, instead of yearly or semester wise, they should go for something like monthly exams. 

Anyways this brings me to this one line which I heard yesterday, it was like, ‘ hum jahan bhi jate hain sochte hain ki change aa gya hai, ab enjoy krenge, par hota aisa hi ki us change ko hi hum apni life maanne lagte hain aur bs fir usi mein hi reh jate hain.’ I think that is why i like exams, tehy break the monotony of daily classes and everything. They bring in some kind of zest and activity which we miss on normal days. Anyways, I am leaving it at this point. I did not want to lose my challenge, so I had to write something. This might be abrupt or senseless but this is all I had today. 

Two of a Kind

This one I clicked very recently. I am just sharing it becaue the background and she compliment each other beautifully. It is a perfect example of two entirely different things coming together and completing each other, they are two parts of a whole. That is how relationships and parnterships are meant to be. Two people with varied inclinations, hobbies and attitudes fall in love and fill the voids, which would have never been filled otherwise. Though one thing I don’t get is, why with time they fall apart?? Is it suppose to be temporary or the conditions which once brought them together are now pushing them away as well. A big mystery, why do we fall in and out of love so often? This ‘forever’ concept does not gel in with the over all reality of life. The beauty which romantic novels or movies create around this ‘forever’, does it even exist in real life? I have not really seen it, so I should not be the one answering it. But this does not mean I can not ponder over it. Being a fan of classics like ‘Gone with the wind’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and ‘ Anna Karenina’, I had always hoped of finding something like this in my life too. And I must confess this that I have failed hopelessly. Either, I expected too much  or it was a fairytale only, which never really existed. 

Too many injustices

I have too many things going on my mind right now. Bt i need to choose one so as to continue writing. Well, I think this pne is worth discussing, the National Family Planning Programme run during the emergency by Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi, is quite infamous. I had read about it time and again. But today I came across this article ( I have an exam tomorrow, so it was part of syllabus), probably a research paper by an author called Emaa Tarlo, which talked about how notorious it became with time.

First of all, it was not just forced sterlizations, it was the added punitive measures like forcing your friends, family and strangers to go through sterlizations. Sanjay Gandhi the force behind this evil setup, forced DDA( delhi development authority) to offer plots for rehabilitation only to those who would get sterlized or would motivate others to go through it. Not just common people but government servants were also forced through it, they either had to do it to themselves or to motivate others. This unleashed a different kind of violence where your very manhood or womanhood came under threat from society. It was the chaos of Hobbes’state of nature, the only difference was it was being imposed by the State itself, which is suppose to be a protector. 

Tarlo talked about this co-victimisation of people one at the hands of authority and other by their own folks. This violence was unjustified and unaccounted for, even today. When government can pay compensation to big corporates for their losses or politicians or bureaucrats then why the question of compensation for these victims of State violence never arose. But then the list of such victims is not small. There are too many around the world, who have been never given justice for the  genocides, with different facets, inflicted on them by thier own protectors. 

It is our judgement that defeats us

‘It is our judgement that defeats us’, when Marlon Brando (Colonel Kurtz) says this to Captain Williard (Martin Sheen), i was left speechless. This is the biggest anathema faced by people today. Being judged or being judgemental kills the whole adventure.

Let me explain with an example, I like a boy and I am planning on telling him. But before me somebody has already told him about my intentions. From that time onwards he has been contemplating what his reaction should be? He is also getting judgemental about my actions withouht even giving me a chance to tell him anything. This will ruin any chance of having a good relationship. This is a very naive and childish example but this problem of getting judged, has come up in every day experiences of life. 

This very thing, being judgemental, which we hate, we are its’ greatest vicitims too. I am not saying I don’t have this issue. I am just looking for a solution. Let me tell you about another instance, I have seen this girl many times on campus, she has not waxed any of her body parts, like legs or arms and she continues to wear shorts, skirts etc. etc. There is nothing wrong about it. But I could not help myself from staring at her again and again, first few times I saw her. I don’t want to have any opinions about her as I don’t even know her name but I can not help it. I am sure many people face this when they don’t even want to do it yet you  have no power over it. 

I might be wrong about the sense in which Kurtz said this but that is how I feel about judgements. It is very easy to say that I am not judgemental but it is very hard to not to be. Infact, I feel it is impossible. I can never go without making opinions about someone I meet the first time. And, i do that most of the times. In the end, I can onlys say, you cannot stop your mind but yeah what can do is to not to impose your judgements on others. Atleast not make everything uncomfortable for you, not so comforting for others too, will not set a good example. 

The Good in the Bad

There is some good in every bad. That is how i felt today when I saw her.

I met her today around 5 pm, in front of central library. I have never seen someone as pretty as her, so I had to take a picture. She was calm and composed and even posed for it. She just sat there and did not move at all when I clicked her  4-5 times, not even an inch. Once I was done, she flew away. 

I said yesterday,  I was not in a very good mood and then she  came and lifted my mood up. Perhaps if I had not been this pensive, I would have never got a chance to see her and would have just ignored her. So i guess there is beauty in everyone and everything and in every situation. What matters is how much time you take to realize it? I have missed so many things in life because I failed to see the good in them on time. 

I might regret those failed times today but I have lost them now and perhaps they will never come. It is not like I will not get any opportunities now but bygones are bygones. And, i feel there are so many like me who miss on things because of their hindsight, try to reason, try to test the boundaries. Do not make hasty decisions based on what you see? Reality is conflictual and not always very clear, see beyond the way things are being presented to you and you will never miss the right time. 

Gud luck to all!! 

Hannah Arendt

I am too tired today and not in a very good mood. So I do not have much to say today. I have started watching this movie on Hanah Arendt which was released in 2012, i wish i could watch it in english (only option is subtitles).

Though, I feel sleepy but I am pretty sure this movie is going to add something to me ao i will go back to it. 

People have always told me it is difficult to understand her but I am giving myself a chance to know more about her. She intrigues me. Anyways I think this is enough for today, will write back tomorrow and I will deifinitely talk about ‘What. Adolf Eichman’s trial was all about?’ Or what made Hannah talk about ‘banality of evil’. 

You never stay the same!!

It feels good when you do not feel negative about anyone and anything. This is one of those days, when you only feel pleasant. No hard feelings!! I had a hearty chat with two very impportant ( well, for me atleast) people.

And all this made me wonder about one thing ‘why do we get so negative and that too so often?’ Years back, when I was in the first year of my engineering, one of my friends gave a glass of water which was half filled and asked me to describe it? I said it is half empty. And she told me this explains that you tend to get negative easily. Before that I had always thought pf myself as a very positive person. I brushed it off with a joke but over the years I have recalled this incident again and again to judge others and myself. 

She was not wrong I am negative but I guess we all are. There are days when I am not in the mood and I see glass as half empty and then there are days like today, when I see the glass as half full. And, I have only been able to make one conclusion that there will be both kind of days in life. So better not put you through this tough binary and try to always think of yourself as a positive person. It is just the attitude that matters and it evolves over time. You won’t be always the same. 

Art of Speed Reading

No

Clue! 

What do I write about!? 

Yes, I could talk about the art of reading books in a small amount of time. As you know there are infinte number of books on the earth and as a lover of reading, I would want to read all of those books (there are many like me who would think along those lines). But how can I finish all these books with so much to do and such a short life. 

So, I have a trick to read fast, which one of my teachers shared with me. It is very simple and it hardly takes an hour or so, if interesting it may take more time. And trust me I am not talking about novels, those books can be mostly judged by their summaries available online these days. This one is about reading books on varied genres politics, sociology, philosophy etc. etc. You go througj the introduction chapter and further as long as you are able to find the main argument the author is trying to make. Once you find it, you can go to the conclusion chapter to find something to support that argument. Or you can read first two paras of every chapter after introduction so that you get a rough idea of how he proves his point. 

If it would be a good book, you would bother reading it fully. But if it is an avearage book, this activity will save you a lot of time for good books. You will get the crux of the book in much less time and you could always count it as one of your read books. 

I am reading ‘Sophie’s World’, i will write about it once I finish but so far I have liked it. It is simple yet conveys such deep thoughts. 

Try this activity for yourself. Happy reading!! 

5th day with love

This another beautiful movie which I bothered to watch today, made my day. ‘Once again’, like us kids, why can not our parents or elders fall in love again? Why is it such a taboo to think of our mother or father being in love again? Why relationships or love should be felt for only and one person? Why do marriages have to be so sacrosanct that developing feelings for some one other than your partner or husband, should be considered infidelity only? Why can’t I love more then one men at the same time or may be fall in love again? 

This is the story which Shefali Shah and Neeraj Kabi, try to tell through this simple story and their beautiful acting. Story of two people, who have lost their partners, finding a companion in each other. Their love is no different from the one younsters experience. Waiting for calls, looking forward to meet ecah other, butterflies whenever you see him, try to look extra nice for him and etc. etc. Shefali and Neeraj have not inhibited in expressing what they felt for their new found love. 

But as all stories do not end on the same happy note like reality, Shefali’s son does not accept it with an open heart, just like the society. They fight, they move apart, they long for each other but when they could not, just like us, how we are rebellious  in our 20s or 30s and fight for pur lovers, they also make a valid decision to stick together. There is this dialogue in the start which says, ‘Samandar itna pass hai fir bhi itna door kyu’. It suggests  love is so near  to us but because of this society we never accept it with an open heart.

Marriages or families are suppose to make a man feel welcomed in this world and not to choke their breath by not letting them love freely. I like Periyar’s idea of ‘self respect marriages’ a lot, may be our Indian society does not need a Uniform civil code or a hindu marriage act or Sharia. But it does need somehting on the lines of Periyar’s idea. These affiliations are made to set women free and not to clip their wings. Let us give our elders, who find love late, to feel it and express it joyously. 

The Fourth Day

So today is the fourth day, I wanted to write so many things but I am too tired and won’t be able to say much.

Yes, the political situation in JNU has escalated too much. There is a curfew like situation. We have been asked to not to go to any other hostel (other than your own) past 10 pm. And also there are some rumours about closing down the library every day at 11 pm. All this is unbearable. It is so much against the JNU culture. In the past year, I have found that this is the place (in India) where you realise your freedoms to the fullest. I can walk around the campus and take the silent, woody, forest like paths to be anywhere anytime without an iota of fear. This safe I had never felt anywhere else and now that safety, independence is under danger. Ofcourse, it is unbearable. I curse the people who played this dirty politics to bring JNU down to this condition. 

Anyways i am off to sleep, see you tomorrow. 

JNU toh ‘Lal’ hai

JNU toh ‘Lal’ hai 

It is my third day here today. I am very late in posting. I have lost the key to my table drawer actually. And, it has all the things i need everyday. Aargggghhh.. i hate it. 

Anyways i can only do something about it tommorow morning only. 

All I can talk about today is jnu elections. Last night around 12 we (me and two of friends) went out to see how the counting was coming along. We were getting messages like one student was kidnapped by some abvp goons (according to the story). And other than that lot of texts were coming in about how violent and scary the atmosphere was getting and, bsf, police and riot action force were on the campus to keep a check. 

I do not want to support or oppose any party. But I really feel politics is a dirty mess. It is this one thing which you should strictly keep your distance from. I mean, normal emapthetic humans get turned into these selfish bastards ( like crazy, violent men Hobbes feared), who would go to any extent to win elections. They will spread rumors, exploit emotions, lie, cheat, bribe, backstab and turn violent etc. etc. 

This is what I have hated so far the most in JNU, the politics of jnu. May be that very thing has only made jnu but i personally do not appreciate it. It is not constructive, and deeply depressing once you get even a bit involved in it. This time if somebody asks me that who I supported, I would say NOTA. 

That was the only genuine option after seeing the hypocrises of all the parties play around as shamelessly as any habitual criminal.  On one side, ABVP was trying to provocate Left by the gundas (students actually), they had called from DU and the grass was not any greener on the other side also.After escalating the situation to a    Violent level, left backed off to earn the sympathy votes. Both the parties were together at fault for this whole drama. 

In the end, JNU once again was painted ‘Lal’ all over. This time abvp was defeated with a much worse margin then the last time. Who so ever wins, ain’t any change is going to come into my life, at jnu. Whether abvp would have won or Left alliance ( like they did), i would have still lost my key and would have still spent half the day looking for it. 

Yes, one thing I want to add is, though I am not any fan of jnu politics or any party but I do like their ‘ Lal Salam’ a lot, it is inspiring in a way I will never be able to explain. Infact, the whole sloganeering process during these peak times, i enjoy. 

BIOSCOPE

As I have made a commitment to myself to update here a small writing piece everyday, so fulfilling my duty, here I am. I am writing it down on 14th September itself ( I am in an active mode right now, two updates on the same day but i know it will fade out soon). Though I will publish this one tomorrow only. 

So today it is about this beautiful movie ( i am not sure if it was a movie though), which was bengali or marathi, I am not sure as they all sound the same to me. I watched it with the help of subtitles (I thank god for this great innovation). It was an anthology of 4 stories which were done in the form of a poem. It had few dialogues and more prose. The name was ‘biopic’ and i watched it on netflix. Netflix does not have many bollywood movies or even hollywood ones but it does have some good classics and art movies. 

So i only watched three stories, which grabbed my interest. The first one revolved around a Padmashree award winner singer, who in her old age is living on by selling almonds for her expenses. She has no regrets about money but it is her longing to get a chance to perform again which gives an intriguing spin to this simple, yet so painful story. 

The second one revolved around a boy named swapnil who runs a garage shop. He is a great chap but due to his dark complexion, he is called ‘kawah’ i.e. crow. He is madly in love with her neighbour but never owns it up in front of her. The girl also loves him and keeps waiting for him to confess but he never does. He lives, in this, constant fear of his ugliness ( i don’t think he is ugly, it is how he sees himself). The added romantic poetry which adds both sadness and zest to this unique romantic story was my favourite. 

The third one i skipped, but this fourth one was my most favourite of the all. It starts with a monologue by a man who has been in love with his childhood friend and his college mate presently. They have known each other since forever and he has loved her since the same forever. One day, he sends out a letter to her, confessing his love. The girl takes it but replies with a confession about her sexuality. This confession was to a friend and not a lover. Though the boy finds it unnatural but he accepts her with an open heart as a friend. The best part is when he starts to call her Mitra instead of Sumitra. Set in the background of independence movement being on its peak. The end note is though India got it’s independence on 15th August, 1947 but people like Sumitra are still waiting for their true independence. With the decriminalisation of section 377 few days back by Supreme Court, a part of the problem has been resolved but there is a long way to go from here. 

If anybody is reading this, i would suggest you to please watch this movie. Because it is full of emotion, romanticism, longing and desire. It is beautifully shot and of course you will love the way poetry seeps in through every nook and corner. 

Challenge yourself

I was watching this movie few days ago which revolved around a ‘home cook’, who decides to challenge herself with finishing all the recipes given in a cookbook (aprox 500) in 365 days. This was to bring some kind of routine in her life as she had to manage it with her full time job and marriage. She was a ‘giving up easy’ type of person and wanted to change that very thing about herself. 

I thought of giving a challenge like this to myself. I am thinking of making this blog more like a journal and write everyday on it. Be it more or less. I know i need a challenge like this one the most. Because I am the one who gives up on everything halfway. I hope to start this journey believing that I will write up a post everyday. And I will not give up in between. May be by sticking to this routine will eventually motivate me to stick to other things in life as well. Hoping to start this thing on a good note and good day. I wish i succeed. I will do it for atleast an year, just like her. A movie gave me this idea, i guess there is always something you can learn from everything.