Day 15

Everytime i sit to write, I go blank. The whole day I keep telling myself, I will write about this, i will write about that and when I actually start, bland!! I hope this happens with all those who write regularly. There is one thing which has been on my mind the whole day, so i will talk about that only.

I watched this movie called ‘To the bone’ today, i was just looking for soemthing to watch and then I just came across this one. I watched first ten minutes and I was hooked to it. It was a about a girl, who named herself ‘Eli’ and was suffering from anorexia. I could relate to it because over the years I have taught myself to dislike food. I loved sweets once and now I can not even bear a bite of anything chocolatey, sweet. I loved coke (Soft drink), chips and butter when i was in my teens and now I hardly touch them.

It is not like I am loosing my weight drastically and I don’t eat at all or i exercise a lot but I have lost my taste forever. I only eat for the sake of eating and when I am hungry. But looking at Eli and other people in her group, I was horrified. I could have been there if I had not stopped myself. I still remember those days when i use to walk and walk and practically lived only on tea. I use to cycle a lot and eat only two chappatis a day. And then one day I blacked out, while getting up. I hurt myself pretty bad on head and neck. This happened once again and I somehow felt that i should not completely quit eating. 

I will not say I live a completely healthy lifestyle now but now i go out and eat. I take my meals regularly, though i have lost my taste for food completely. I never drool for food. You might call it healthy but i will still call it sick because it is what we live for ( I am just saying this, i don’t practice it) and I have lost interest in this very important thing only.

When I watched Eli or Ellen today, i saw my craziness in her. I use to count calories of everything i ate in a day and kept myself in check to not to eat more than 2,000 calories a day. This problem I guess many teens go through, and it happens with societal pressure. It is mostly not even questioned or considered unhealthy because our society has set these standards of thin and fat, where thin is compared to beauty and fat with ugliness. I won’t say I am completely cured because still I go crazy if my weight goes over 55. And i do not how many are struggling over this, just like me. 

This problem which society, parents and us all do not understand has completely gone unnoticed by others as well. I am sure many can relate to my story. And, i will blame all this on the idea of beauty which this society has set on us. Fair complexion, thin body and  decent character are the attributes set for girls ( boys too), which one finds very difficult to distance herself from. I am also a victim of it and has also given my tacit consent to this structure which allows it to perpetuate.  I just hope  to take it back some day, when I will understand completely how unnerving, unhealthy and sick it is.