SayNoToRacism

Dennis, a young teenager living in a crime ridden housing project wants to live his American Dream. But he knows he will not get it by going to college. He wants to get out of Brooklyn and for that he needs money. He knows only streets will help him get his family out of poverty. This black oriented movie gives a chance to see the life of a regular black American family. Dennis has a loving mother, a submissive sister and a drunk and abusive father.
The ending is full of darkness, remorse and loss; it ends with a message which says, “First things learned are hard to forget. Traditions pass from one generation to the next. We need to change.” The first thing all the characters being played learned was that they are black and life is not a piece of cake for them. The movie was made by Matty Rich, when he was quite young, a teenager, he was a kid from Brooklyn housing projects and without any money power and backing; he made this movie and got it released.
The movie covers a few days in the lives of a high school kid (Dennis), who lives with his sister and his parents in a crime-ridden Brooklyn Red Hook project. The story begins with a lot of noise being made in the background by the father (Ray) who is drunk and beating s his wife and throwing things around the apartment while the kids are woken up from their sleep by loud voices. This is everyday life for Dennis and he decides to change it as he could not take it anymore.
Usually Dennis hangs out with two of his friends Kevin and Larry. Dennis convinces them to get onto the streets and get rich easy. Larry (played by Matty Rich) suggests them that may be they could get a job at a gas station. But Dennis is not willing to do something like that. He wants a lot of money and as fast as possible. His dream is to buy a condo, cars for his family, a good school and a comfortable life.
Dennis’s girlfriend (Shirley) asks him about his college plan, to which Dennis replies that he cannot wait 4-5 years. Looking at the Manhattan skyline, Dennis tells his girlfriend, “Do you think those people reached there by going to college. They reached there by breaking the rules and stepping onto the black men.” This was the first thing which Dennis learned in his life because his father is abusive and venomous because of this very reason.
Ray is angry with everyone. Once sitting in the middle of night, waiting for the Dennis, he expresses his anguish with some heart-touching lines. He says, “ Hey white man, I am the man you destroyed. Just the way you destroyed my father and his father, just how you destroyed my life, you are going to destroy my son’s life too.”
For most of the movie, the characters stand poised between two possible choices - between crime and trying to do the right thing. But the movie finds time to develop some of their complexities as they make up their minds, in well-written scenes such as the one where the mother actually defends her husband, even though he beats her.
The father is taking out his humiliations on his family, the mother goes crazy when she hears a guns shot for the fear that her boy is on the sharp end of the gun, where children are ridiculed for having dreams as modest as that of actually finishing school. Everyone is fighting their own but related fears.
Dennis may hate his father, but he is able to take a longer view of Ray's predicament. There are a few moments, like when Ray mentions to his son that he wanted to become a doctor, where you can see how the boy is tempering his own rage toward his father. This sort of thing helps to explain why, when Ray gets the drug money, he wants to include his father in on the move to Manhattan. Dennis still clings to the fantasy that his family can be made whole. This dream of Denniss’ is his final patch of innocence. In a way, he is as far gone as his father; he doesn't realize that Ray is already past salvation.
Dennis and his friends concoct a plan to rob a drug dealer, reasoning that he's helping destroy the community anyway so it isn't morally wrong to take his money. It is, of course, terribly stupid. They get away with the cash, but everything goes terribly wrong almost immediately. The dealer and his ruthless associates mount a relentless search for the thieves, and Dennis realizes there's no way he's going to get away unscathed. Meanwhile, Ray beats Frankie nearly to death, and the drug dealers kill him while the children are at the hospital with their mother.
The movie ends on a very sad note where Frankie (the mother) dies in hospital of bruises and Ray is shot down by dealers who were looking for Dennis and their money. Dennis lost everything at the hands of his naïve dream.
Making such movies is part of an effort to lift yourself out of society's hatreds, of putting yourself out there and stirring up the audiences. This movie avoids the glamorous violence that so often passes for black life in the movies.
There are also many scenes of everyday life, goofing around, small talk and passing time. It all adds up to a convincing portrayl of a big-city black teenager who feels that if he does not take some sort of conclusive action, life will clamp him into poverty and discouragement. He wants to live the American dream every American imagines about and he knows he cannot do it by going to college, he thinks, it is only possible by getting out of Brooklyn and onto the streets. This plan of Denniss’ gets his family engulfed into trauma and ruins everything in the end.
This was an honest and effective film, which came from heart.

Day 73 - Love Yourself

I moved from this world to another, looking for new things, challenging things but i found everywhere it is the same. Your world runs with you. You do not leave it behind with people or things that you leave behind. You take everything away with you. You think you will miss old memories. But No! Your world is you. You make new connections, new attachments and new beliefs. In fact love and compassion, you look for is not in the things but  inside you. Often in pleasing the world you forget that this world does not exist beyond you. Like that line from Plath’s poem: I lift my lids and all is born again. It is weird we make ourselves too comfortable in these temporary relations and connections, forgetting all about our self. There is nothing more permanent in you than loving yourself because your life is all about you and not about how others want it to be. 

Day -72 When can we start talking noramlly about periods?

I was attending my Language class which I had recently joined. In between the class I started getting cramps and I went to the washroom. I had gotten my periods and I was not carrying any sanitary napkin with me. I could have waited for the class to get over but my blood pressure dropped down and I started feeling dizzy. I went to the reception to rest for a while. I thought  it would be better to ask around for a napkin. I went to the lady sitting at the reception and asked her for a sanitary napkin.

First thing she asked me was can you wait till the end of the class? I said no, I cannot wait. Then she said will cotton work? I said if there is no option I can go out and buy some. Then after a pause of 15 to 20 seconds, she almost whispered to me and asked me that how will you carry it? I said in my hand. She said no I cannot give it like this. Then I asked her to put it in my notebook which was with me. She said okay. She took the notebook and covered her handbag with it . Then from one side she opened the zip of her purse and cleverly pushed the napkin into the half opened notebook. Then she returned the notebook to me like nothing happened. 

I was shocked. This coming from an educated lady was a blunder. I remember even in school and at home we were taught to not to talk openly about periods. Over the years I had gotten over this thing. I was not embarassed talking about my periods anymore. And I thought even the world had changed and people like me would not think of it as something exceptional. But  I was wrong. 

Day -71 Facebook Affair

One monumental discovery that changed our lives forever. Facebook. I still remember the day, i first joined facebook. It was in 2009 or 2010. I was in school then. I had so many school friends to add and i did receive few welcomes on my facebook wall. I had never used orkut ( the one before facebook), so all this was new and fascinating to me. Though that first account was hacked within few months and i made a new one which i use till the date.

First 2 or 3years of facebook were like any new relationship. It was honeymoon period. I posted a new status almost everyday. I loved the likes and comments. I replied to every single comment and like. I had this fear of posting pictures on fb, which i got over soon. And then even a picture was uploaded every few weeks.
The random posts you get tagged into, i was happy about them as well. The friend requests, chats, everything was so new and charming. I did make two or three random facebook friends (complete strangers), who are my friends till date. The likes or comments from the guy (changed very frequently) i crushed on would make my day.
Then came the games. I loved poker and that puzzle game and also that farm game. I was addicted to them. Whoever wanted to talk to me, i would tell them to come and play poker because i was badly addicted to it. I still love poker. I have the zynga poker app even now. Play it from time to time.

Slowly like every relationship, my love for facebook faded away. I deactivated my account for almost  an year. Even now i keep activating and deactivating it. Mostly it is deactivated. I hardly chat with anyone. Updating a status is history now. Likes and comments mean nothing now. How this change came? I don’t know. But my love affair with facebook is over now. But like every other relationship, a soft corner will always be there for it (like there will always be one for ex-crushes, bfs and friends).

The tale of love

I always tend to ignore my blog these days. I feel like i don't have much to talk about. I hardly go out and meet new people. To tell stories you need to have some things to tell which you see around and experience. Well, I hardly come across anything new these days. This year on my birthday i got one of the best gifts ever. It was a collection of 80 small books. They are from 80 different authors and different tales. Some of them i have read earlier, very few though and there are some which i came across for the first time.

Post my birthday i had entrance exams and stuff like that so i never got the chance to open them. Today while i was reading 'Macbeth' also a gift from a friend, i opened one of those books. Macbeth is actually boring, the only problem is that i can not comprehend the meanings of most of the lines in them. This one is in the play form and there are notes along with it which gives meanings for the words. it is a good translation atleast better than the ones i have read earlier.

As i have to constantly look for meanings, i got bored of Macbeth and so i thought of going through one of those 80 books. I chose number 3, 'The Saga of Gunnalaug Serpent-tongue'. It is a love revenge story and little superstitious as it is set in very old times. 'Helga the fair' is loved by two men and both die at the end, fighting each other in a duel and Helga marries off someone else. It is like an old folk tale.

Every time i read any love story, all the love stories i have read and seen so far come to my mind. It also puts me in the confusion about which one i like the most. I believe i am an 'old is gold' believer. I have seen and read so many but ,y favortie so far has always been Catherine and Mr. Heathcliffe from 'Wuthering Heights'. I liked Pride and Prejudice too but it comes later in the list. Catherine and Heathcliffe had too much passion for each other and the lines from the book are just beautiful, beyond imagination.
 
       ' I have not broken your heart- you have broken it and in breaking it, you have broken mine.'

And, there is this another one from '1984'.

       ' Under the Chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me.'

Sometimes such simple lines express so much. I can never write something so soft and expressive which melts hearts.

I always tell people i hate love stories but the truth is i enjoy love stories the best. But there are certain conditions for it. They should be set in old England, women with lond dresses and frocks. I think corsets were in fashion then. I personally think corsets are too painful for women but trust me they look lovely wearing those dresses. Men little prude, gentle and shy. And the conversations they make matter the most to me. I mean if they are not expressive enough to each other through words then gestures mean nothing to me.
I like love stories with great dialogues about how much they love each other. These are my requirements for a perfect love story. I love when they wait for each others letters and they just wait. They have stopped writing such stories and even movies are very limited in number. But i would just do anything to watch or read something like this on a good day as well as on a gloomy day.

Day- 70 Am I a pet person?

Am i a pet person? I don't love any of the animals as such. I feel bad for them at times but when it comes to keeping them around me I can not really do it. I always feel kind of threatened around them. 4-5 days back my room-mate here at jnu brought a cat to our room. This cat had cut herself in the neck and was very weak so i thought it was better to let her stay. 

I see her all day. Though my room-mate takes her to vet everyday to get her wound treated, this cat still acts very snooty and never acknowledges her efforts. First two days this cat would keep staring at me continuously through her crate. I was scared while sleeping; hoping that she would not come on to my bed in the night and bite me. But she didn't, she was too weak to do that. I have not touched her even once since she has arrived in our room. 

She hates her crate and loves the only mat i own and will prefer sleeping over it then in her crate. She also loves to hide under my bed. I don't get it, my room-mate takes care of her but she would never go under her bed but she would go all the places where my things are. I just feel she is doing all this to irritate me. 

I have always hated any kind of pets. We had one dog at her house back in the days. It was a small puppy. My brother always wanted one so my mamu got one for him and one for their own house. He was a German-Shepherd dog. We named him Sheru. For first few days i never had the courage to touch him and would not even place my feet on the floor when he was around. Sheru loved shoes or any footwear and he would go right after my chappals the moment i would get down. I found it very creepy and unhygienic. Slowly i got used to him and even tried to feed him with my hands sometimes. But i never got my fear over dogs beacause one day my brother had this awsome idea to throw himdown the stairs and see what happens to Sheru. He went with it and Sheru got injured and lost one leg. Post the injury he got scary he would bark at eveyrone and would not let anyone come near him. I got scared of him again. Eventually Papa took him to a friend's farm and left him in open. 

My Nana always had four or five dogs at his farm. They loved him like anything. Some of them were as tall as my Nana and trust me, my Nana was above 6 feet. I met these dogs once in an year for a month in which we hardly struck up any aquaintance because they were too big and i was too small and would get scared of them easily. Their flashy white teeth and one bark was enough to make me run away. 

But there was this one dog of Nanu, Moti who i started liking. He was very close to my Nani and when my Nana left us, he would not let my Nani leave the house alone and would follow her all around the village and bark at us whenever any one use to come too close to Nani. I liked him a lot and felt little bad when he died.

It is hard to like someone but i guess when you stay with them for some time; you do get attached to them. I have started to like this cat. Though i still do not touch her or caress her or anything which would make her feel welcomed. But i like seeing her aorund in my room and i have even grown used too her smell in the whole room. Though i tell people she is a big headache for me right now; i feel personally that she is here for a good thing. 

One more thing i wrote the whole post and just realized that the cat is a male and not a female. But then how does it even matter? I cannot now go aorund changing 'her' to 'him' in the whole post just beacuse a thing like gender exists in our my minds. Hard to tell still whether i will ever own a pet?

Day - i don’t remember

I have lost this note but i had the images of it. The sadness engulfs you at times and spurs you to do sad things.

I

Day 69 - Endless circles of life

It started off with a cloudy night

The day went on like how rainy days should be

Full of water, aroma of earth going up to my nose

Leaves talking to me with a shy smile

Like they are too happy to meet the rain

Serene and green and wet is everything around

It ends with some lightning and some thunder 

Telling stories of stormy decades that have passed 

Making way for the sly winter, smiling at me

Comes with a pleasant wind and less of sun

I feel cold but in a good way

Looking forward to those wintry nights with blankets wrapped around and heaters or fire running on and on 

The food gets tasty, eating feels like a bliss

More I eat more warm I feel

It ends up making me 3-4 kgs heavier 

And suddenly one day around holi the winter just leaves my door 

With mild summer knocking at my door

I feel relaxed as it is a harmonious change after that gross cold which by then I get sick off

Summer turns me out 

I feel more lively in the green grounds, under trees

It completes me in more ways then i know

Suddenly i lose all that appetite i had gained over the last months

As summer gets sharper, the kilos seem to shed off easier

The heated sun is difficult to breathe in

Hot tea looks poisonous, only relief comes in with drops of chilled water 

Heat gets too much

Leaves wilt, dogs look at me with puppy eyes so that i would take them in and save them from unforgiving sun

It passes soon too though it feels like ages 

The rain blesses us with beautiful greenry and love all around again

Such is life. Nothing is lost, nothing is earned. 

Everything has a time to come and another to leave.

There is no permanence but even that is a kind of permanence 

I will always look for other things, something interesting

But that too is a circle.

I start because you know you will end

When will it be? That is on me and the fate

But trust me this will go on and on like a cd being played without pauses, problems and rewind.

Day 68 another day

Sometimes you have a bad day 

Sometimes you just wish everyone you love would just say yes to what ever you say

Sometimes you do not want anyone to agree or disagree with you but to just say yes to you.

Sometimes all you want is support

Sometimes all you want is somebody to understand 

Sometimes all you want them is to stand with you

Sometimes all you want is somebody or someone to hold your hand and say i am with you

It does not have to be a partner or your boyfriend or your husband 

It has to be someone, just someone you love 

Sometimes all you want is a simple expression of trust 

Sometimes all you care about is one hand holding you 

Sometimes all you need is one hug

Sometimes all you need is this small thing 

And you end up getting none

Because everyone will stand opposed 

Everyone will ask questions

Everyone will judge your attentions, your worth

Everyone will care about your future 

Everyone will care about what others will say

Everyone will say whatever they want to say

Everyone will find their own meanings in your words

Everyone will leave you wondering ‘why the hell do you expect something from someone?’ 

Why? Why? Do you want something from someone!? Why do you need it so much? 

Election days are on the way

This might not be relevant exactly but then politics is always relevant. But this one i wrote long back and it is not entirely new. 

Here comes another election. Tv mews channels and newspapers are going gaga over them as if something world shattering has happened. It is the same old bjp and congress nuisance, fighting the same blame game. The real thing you guys are missing out on is that the younger generation is getting big lessons on ethics from these reinvented parties, the secular BJP and the Hindu Congress.

Leave ethics aside, one thing I read every day is about the so called election reforms, which make no sense to me. Because i guess i thought of them as something else and what is being done is completely different. 

Present government said  bonds based funding would bring transparency into the parties. And I can see now how political parties have been sincerely supporting the cause. As it was very much visible in the recent elections that the parties did not have crores to spend on ads, luring voters, giving on freebies like the old times. And I was equally shocked by how rallies these times were epitome of simplicity, none of the ministers travelled in private vehicles. They were saving up on our exhausting oil resources by pooling up cars and helicopters and some even went with the public transport. 

I hope this would help us meet the international climate change targets. 

The greatness of our party leaders, the humility with which they deal with media and public grievances makes me more than happy. 

I am happy about these results because now we will see how bjp, congress and jd(s) would cook up  on alliance so that our dear karnatka gets a stable government as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter which party comes to power with whose help, the fact that matters is that they teach us to not to be enemies for long, there is always a good time to patch up and especially if it involves some monetary benefits. 

Very soon one or the other alliance would come to power and push for minestrial cabins and plush government bunglows will start. It does not matter which portfolio one gets, it is working for the welfare of people which matters the most. And if they don’t get a bunglow, they won’t be crying for the perks that come with it but for the lost chance to serve the humanity. Because they can work sincerely only within these bunglows, outside of these people who do not want the nation to grow would bother them. Plus these bunglows are just old and big government houses which they would have never preffered to live in if not for the good of the people. 

I feel so much of gratitude for our dear leaders and I am teary eyed after my realization that how they only want to help this country.  I am now able to relate to their understanding of the election reforms and the way they spend millions on elections so that the naive people like us could make a wise decision on the big day. Thank you bjp,congress and every other party for lessons in humanity service. Hope our generation learns more from you. 

Day-67 An anti-national dream

Dreams can be really weird at times.

So yesterday salman khan came into my dream. I don’t know what is happening these days, weird things. And he said something which i would never expect him to say. But after all it was a dream only. 

It was like this that we met through a friend who knew him or was related to him( which in reality is not possible, none of my friends know him). He is busy hosting a show and suddenly there is need of someone who could speak fluent hindi. So we are with him at that point of time and he asks us to read a part. I being confident that my hindi is not that bad, start reading from the paper. On the very 5th word i get stuck and then it turns out to be too hard for me to read further. I tell him i cannot, embarrassed about it though. And, he tells me Machiavelli has said that one who does not knows their national language cannot ever be a true nation loving person. And i ask him when did he say that? And he says in his book ‘The prince’. I don’t know whether Machiavelli ever said anything like that or not. But this dream is ‘Adbhut’.

I was stunned. Did he actually say that to me? Wow and there and then it ended because i woke up after that. I don’t know what it was. Still shocked. 

Some thoughts on marriage

I was going through my notes. Found this! I thought i have not posted anything like this so now is the time. I don’t know when i will see it again. I am not sure why i was so frustrated that day because what ever i have written sounds very aggressive.

Marriages are supposedly made in heaven. While sitting in the garden of this lavish marriage palace waiting for the feras to get over and contemplating what made this guy choose this girl, all I could conclude is bullshit. No body can guess a person in one or two meetings. It is like looking for a roommate through your parents. You can change your roommate but can you do the same with your groom or bride.

Then why the procedure of looking for a partner is similar to the one’s we use while looking for a roommate or a flatmate. Give an ad in the paper, ask your friends and relatives. Finally somebody comes to your door, you meet the person, confirm his details and make your decision. Now you start living together. What if that person is not able to live up to your standards? you part ways after the minimum contract is over and start looking for another one.

The same way people chose their prospective clients life partners. You give an ad, join matrimonial site, ask your friends or relatives, and offers start pouring in. You meet some, meet their family, make an enquiry and make your final decision. This is how marriages happen. But once you start staying with each other, you start to know each other. What happens later is either you adjust or you donot, either you are happy or you compromise or you chose to leave. But is it easy to leave? The legal hassles, the emotional hassles and moreover the problem of societal face value.

I am not trying to say that one should not divorce fearing the society and all the problems stated above like divorces do happen in love marriages also. 

But the concept of arranged one is very rudimentary and should be given up as soon as possible. Let’s give our young ones, cocooning fresh out of their shells, a chance to make this adult decision. Of course, post marriage also they are going to make big decisions. Parents should let their cubs fly and chose their partners wisely so that they will not regret it later in life.

Thanks

Day 66 - i love sunny days

This year winters are long. Last year by this time winters had already descended. I remember last year on holi which was on 2nd of March i was sweating the whole day because of the heat. It is already 7th of march and there is no sign of summers. Nights are so cold that it is hard to go out without a jacket.

I love sitting under the sun and for few days now i have been missing it, either i get up late or because of the rains there is usually no sun. 

Well finally today i enjoyed sitting under the sun. I got to see it after days. The wind was blowing as well so it was little chilly but pleasant. No matter how uneasy or uncomfortable i get in summers. No matter how much i sweat in summers and no matter how cold and cosy the winter blankets are. I will always be a summer person because i just hate cold days when there is no sun and usually you are forced to sit inside under your blankets. I am a big fan of long walks and i hate going on walks in winters because i cannot stand the cold. I feel winters make you lazy whereas summers make you active and crazy. Well holi is on 22 or 23rd i guess this year, so let’s see how summery is it going to be? My mom says this year winters are going to last longer may be till May. I don’t mind that much if sun will come up every day on time. 

Day 65- Kafka’s The Trial

How do i start again? When i had already written it once but it got deleted as my phone hanged for a while.

Well, i will tell you the whole story again. Two days back by chance i went to this book sale and bought few new books. One of them was Kafka’a The Trial, the book has his other stories as well so it was a bargain for me. So yesterday the whole day was spent reading him and some of it today as well.

I have been his fan for a long time, ever since by chance coincidence i read his ‘The Metamorphosis’. It was much later that i got to know that he inspired many latin american writers like Gabriel Garcia Marquez and others towards a new form of literature (or whatever it is called) called ‘Magical Realism’. Marquez’s famous book ‘100 years of solitude’ was based on Magical Realism only. The idea for which he got from Metamorphosis. 

Coming to the trial. I gifted this book to someone sometime back but never got a chance to read it myself. So yesterday was the day. It started off very simple, like one morning Mr Joseph K. wakes up and he finds that his landlady has still not brought his breakfast which is unusual. The day starts of simple but it turns out to be his worst nightmares. It turns out that he is under arrest for some trial but he cannot be given the details of the trial. The story starts of from nothing and ends on nothing. The whole time i was waiting to see what the trial was all about and it is never revealed, not even at the end. At that point only i realized that it is a satire on the law, courts  and justice system. Mr. K. is wronged in this case, he is never told what the charges are and still he is going around lawyers, courts and judges to make some sense out of everything. The court is disguised like a secret police which is everywhere but no one knows what it is doing but once you get stuck in it, you will not come out unscathed. K. like many others is lost in this mess like people are lost in today’s justice system. People are made to run around for things around lawyers, courts and police, when most of it is mostly incomprehensible to them.

It was a great book. It said so much without saying much. It is a literary masterpiece. I have always been awed by his writing style which is so mysterious yet so simple. I always loved his other works as well but not his short stories. This might be because it is not easy to comprehend so much from such short stories or i am not capable of understanding them.

Anyways it was a day spent well, day spent reading Kafka.

Fucked up Life in a fucked up world

It is a happy picture.
My watsapp, facebook dp.
But is it me everyday? No, i guess not.
Then why do i put up a happy face for everyone around?

It is a sweet smile.
I flash it to everyone i see everyday.
I have it on my face every day.
But is it me everyday? No, i guess not.
Then why do i not frown when i see people i don’t like?

It is a formal ‘i am good’.
My mother calls me up everyday and asks this question.
I reply with a good everyday.
Then why do i say it even on days i am not good?

It is an excited hi and a follow up conversation.
I have few of these everyday.
I do not like or feel like doing them everyday.
Be it with family, boyfriend or friends.
Still i do.
Then why do i do it when all i want to tell everyone is to shut the fuck up for a while, for a day.

It is a formal empathy.
I see someone sad and i try to console them.
I tell them i feel bad for them.
I do not agree with them at all or i am not pained with their pain.
Then why do i not smile over their face and just leave them where they are?

It is a fucked up life, fucked up world.
Too many faces, too many characters, too many smiles too flash.
Not one means truly anything.
Still i have to do it everyday and around everyone.
Because i live a fucked up life in a fucked up world.
And, I cannot just escape all this.

Pseudo Social Justice

https://indianexpress.com/article/opinion/columns/pseudo-social-justice-reservation-quota-demand-ews-minorities-5580908/

Day 64- Beauty of travelling lies in the journey, not in the destination

I was growing through someone’s post which said the beauty of travelling lies in the journey. And it took me back to all those times when i have avoided travelling because i hated sitting on a seat for hours and hours. 

I would keep checking my phone and distance on google maps. I never tried to look through the windows at the world which is not always at its best  but this where it’s very beauty lies. 

It was not always like this. I still remember some of my bus and train journeys when i started travelling alone. I would revel in those lone journeys where i met some strangers and had wonderful conversations with them. In those few travels i learned a lot about things and peole. And then i started my job as a reporter, it took away all the fun away. I was made to roam around delhi the whole day with one week day off. I had seen Delhi, it’s routes, places, buildings. I went on the streets i would have never got a chance to see otherwise. But the problem was i was rushing through them to reach somewhere, there were time constraints and i never got to really see those places and roads. Because i was too busy thinking about the puropse i was going for i.e the destination. I never learned the true meaning of those lonely journeys. I was suppose to notice how wide the roads were, how green the trees were, kinds of people came across on those routes, learn their stories from their face. But i missed put on all this. I have never been able to travel with such enjoyment since then. All i am busy thinking is; what kind of person is sitting besides me or how much time is it going to take or how comfortable the seat is. I have lost my patience for long routes. It is sad sometimes. 

This makes me think that things you enjoy  should be treated as hobbies only and you should never make them your profession. Otherwise you will lose the adventure in them. 

Day 62: The idea of beauty, needs to be changed.

I was suppose to post it yesterday. Late post. 

I went to see a school friend today. She is getting married in two days. And she being my school best friend. I had to attend her wedding. I went to her place as i was seeing her after almost 5 long years. 

It was her engagement day and she asked me to go with her to the parlour where she was to get ready. I went along as i wanted to spend more time with her. 

It turned out to be a waste of time. While she was getting her make up done, i was asked to wait at the reception. I did not mind because the place was bustling with people. It was full of ladies getting their make up pr hair done. And many of them were brides. 

And many of them came out after their make over was done. Trust me, i have seen someone from close for the first time with so much make up on. I was horrified, it did not look pretty. If makeup on you makes you a cake doll. I will never get such make up done ever. No offence but it might look good on pictures but up close it looks like as if you are looking at a china doll with colored lips and cheeks and eyes on a white crystal clear base. Ridiculous. If this is thr idea of beauty today, trust me i don’t want to see it anymore. Also where is the fun in looking like a china doll. 

Day 63- Yuval Noah Harari’s way of looking at life.

I finished Harari’s ‘21Lessons for the 21st century’ today.
I was looking forward to read this and this is the reason i searched online for websites where i could download ebooks online. Coincidentally, my sister gifted me the hard copy around same time. It is a keeper.

He is an amazing writer. He kept me glued to the book. I have tried reading his sapiens as well. In 21 Lessons, he posits the growing Research in artificial intelligence, global warming and biotech as few of those problems which cannot be resolved within our closed borders. He argues that these are global problems which can only be resolved globally and not by hiding behind our nationalist garbs.
He has talked about religion, humanity, mind, god, reason, nationalism, culture and information etc, that are somehow shaping this world. But he says the kind of threats we imagine would come on us are not really the threats. They are far beyond our conception. Becuase we are wound up in the rhetoric build up by movies and fiction about future of AI and biotech. Accoridng to Harari real threat is somewhere else.

I liked it a lot. But i did find some issues, for example the way he criticises liberals conception of mind and reason. He tries to sound rational and then makes everything spiritual by going on to buddhism to tell you how to tame our mind. Because all our desires are not the desires of our mind which need to be controlled. This sounds very metaphysical and beyond one’s understanding.
Anyways i am looking forward to reading his other books.

Day 61 - Exploring things

It was a fun day. Which day? That day. Full of possibilities and full of life. Reading a new book. 

Best sites to download free ebooks online

Why is it important to write about this?

 I have been looking for places to download books and it caused me a lot of stress. I thought i should definitely share something on this. So here is a list of some of the places where i have been actually able to download books without going through any unnecessary hassles of creating an account and paying money. Hope they will work for others as well.

1. Library Genesis:

I foundYuval Noah Harari's latest books here. You might try it as well. Only problem isis they are torrent files.

2.EBOOK-DL:

This one I loved the most. It is very easy to use. One click and you can download the zip file. Mnay genres are available and magazines are available as well.

3. Project Gutenberg:

It is already very famous and very easy to use.

4. BookBoon:

It has books for all the academic subjects. So students will really find this useful to download new books.

5. Open Library: 

You should definitely explore this one.

These are the sites, which i have tried and they worked for me. I will add any new ones i might find in the future. To go to these sites just click on the name or just google them. Happy reading to all. 

Stories beyond me too by Tavleen Singh ( a big hypocrite)

I had to share this because i feel anguished by this article. I disgaree with her and i think she completely disrespected something good which has come out of this #metoo movement. Is she has her loyalities set around a particular party she should express them openly and not by dissing people and their efforts, who are actually doing something worthwhile. I don’t know if you had to face all this or not during your early days but if you went through this, you would not have given such a response.
Stories beyond MeToo

https://www.google.com/amp/s/indianexpress.com/article/opinion/columns/me-too-movement-india-sexual-harassment-narendra-modi-government-women-journalists-5517647/lite/

Day 60 - How not to be socially awkward?

I need advice here because i am one of those who behave in an awkward way around most of the people. It is so difficult to gel in with people. The books do not help and life without this is almost impossible these days. If i do not change this, i guess i will never see things the way i want them to be. To be or not to be. There is a big question here? 

Day 59 - How do you see things?

Is it easy to think out of box? I always think how do these storytellers imagine and see things which i cannot? What is imagination? How J.K Rowlings thought of Harry Potter and that too with so much of details that she wrote books on it? Not one but 7. It has been years since i have been reading fiction and i have tried my hand on writing as well. But i always feel it is borrowed from somewhere and something. It never feels like my own. How do i own it? 

 I remember once one of my teachers told me that whenever you write something new. Write ‘my baby’ on top of it. And you will always feel close to it. You will feel like it is your own. I tried it once then but it did not work. I guess everyone has their own way of doing it. I will find it someday. Every day is new and tells you something new. What did i learn today? Always trust your own gut and you will never be sorry. Hope i practice it as well.

Day 58- What life is like at JNU?

I wrote this note on 15th April 2018 at 4 in the morning. I was going through my notes on the phone and found it. I thought i would share how i felt about this place almost an year ago. And then some day i will share how i feel about it now. This is my last semester here, let’s see where life will take me from here. 

I came here with a sense of fear. There was excitement and ofcourse there was nervousness. You always feel that way when you feel you are going to a new place or when you know people are going to be better then you. 

Living at jnu is like living in a boot camp. Though i am not sure what life would be like at a boot camp, i am just using my imagination. There are patches pf jungle all around, too much scenic beauty. Mornings are beautiful here. Most of the cafes or rather dhabas inside the campus would offer you only rocks to sit on. My feet are always sore from all the walking i do all the day. Plus the mosquito bites and bed bugs bites too ocassionally. 

There is too much to worry about but then it offers a sense of serenity too. I don’t feel discontent here. There is too much to do. Too much to look forward to. And bonus is you never feel out of place. Because jnu will always welcome you with open arms and in days you will feel like you always lived here and probably if it was in your hands you would never want to leave. 

Whenever i step out of gate to go out. And let me tell you that it is very rare. It feels like the delhu outside or even the world itself is rather different.Though i haven’t seen much of the world yet. I feel awkard in the crowds of the city. The aroma, the people, the scenery is so different and sad, that i start hating the city altogeher. 

Jnu offers you liberty like you have been never offered before. Chance to look at life free from any fears. Being a girl i know how difficult it is to walk alone at roads in the night. But not in jnu. Even walking through the patches of jungle, you would feel more safe then you would feel in your hometown. And this is where the beauty of life at jnu lies. The place offers you space to explore. To be at ease with yourself and the people around you. There is freedom, freedom to roam around in the middle of the night, freedom to do things, freedom to drink/eat/smoke, freedom to think, freedom to express, freedom to feel free. I would not say i would always want to live in jnu as there are so many places to see but i would want world to be like this only. 

Day 57- One of those blank days

Usually something or the other is on my mind unlike today. Since morning i have been thinking what should i write about today. Still clueless!!
 It is one of those blank days when i my mind is not full of many thoughts. Why do people think and worry so much? Where do all these thoughts come from? And why do we keep wondering what others must be doing at this point of time!? I cannot peep into their lives and they cannot into mine. Then why does it worry us so much?
Life is full of so many whys. And yet no answers.

Day 56- Hassles of waking up early in the morning

For me early morning means, getting up at 9. Even if i try really hard i can only wake by 9.15. Hats off  to those who manage it. Sometimes though rarely when i do get up early, i feel dead, sleepy and i get headache.

I was writing this in the morning while i was in class and then i could not complete it because i was stunned. It was my first class and i got an assignment the very first day. I am shit scared of this teacher and she is actually scary. I don’t know what i am going to do and i have to submit by monday and present it o tuesday. Sunday my sister with her family is going to visit and i will be occupied with her both days. So i am more worried. Still knowing my lazy self, i know i would not complete it before sunday and it will be last minute only. It is always like that no matter how early i start. And then i did say something about plato in class to one of her questions when actually she was refering to  Aristotle. I do these things.

Day was full of such things.
 Bye for now.

Day- 55 The Show Business revolves around more show and less merit

I was just going through the Oscar nominations list for this year. And i found ‘A star is Born’ getting nominated in the best picture category, bradley cooper for best actor and Rihanna for best actress. And i was wowed by the list. I found the movie horrible but the reason could be that i don’t enjoy musicals. But Rihanna and Bradley Cooper, no way!!

I think they always nominate the stars who would create propaganda around the show. Seriously i have never seen any good movie or actor actually getting the award for some good work they have done. I have always found jennifer lawrence as a very normal actor and she got an oscar. For what reasons, God only knows! She is the most over rated actor for showing a plain face all the time. She has the same expression in hunger games that she has in the Silver Lining Playbook. But then i think it happens with many actors. Like her Radhika Apte is over rated. I think people just pretend to like her because she is supposed to be liked. Be it lust stories or ghoul or sacred games or any of her recent movies, she gives only half brow raised expression. When i saw her in sacred games i found nothing new in her characters, only her clothes and look changed a bit, rest all was same.

Like one of my friends said recently said that oscars are only given to biopics, docu-dramas and musicals. Leonardo di caprio got oscar for revenant where as his earlier movies were far better. I think these awards need to be abolished as rather than excitement, they draw more hypocrisy these days.

Day 54- i wish watching movies was a profession

I am watching Bombay Talkies right now. I think it is a great movie. I just wonder why watching movies is not a profession. I mean I can do this the whole time. I never get bored of it. And with netflix and all these other video patflorms, the interfaces are so good that it is too comfortable.

Some people would say you can always have a profession where you will get to watch movies or something like that but i don’t want anything like this. I don’t want to make movies or act in them or write them, i just want to be a good audience. Problem is i cannot do it all the time. But then the irony of life is you cannot do always everything you like. Well i don’t mind writing about them. So i was thinking of doing movie reviews. I mean writing movie reviews. But i am not a fan of current movies, so i would like to go in for old movies. Old, but not very old. Let’s see how it rolls out.

Bye for now.

Day -53 World is full of inequalities

So i was revising Marx for some exam today and everytime i read his views there is something new in it. I am not a scholar or anything but i really do agree with most of the things. I do not believe that his communism will ever work because i do not think he has been able to fully grasp the human nature. And, this turns the basic premises of his theory down. But he is great with criticism and i do believe strongly that some part of his theory is going to be true. Not the way he predicted it though.

Inequalities are on the rise and may be the rise of a huge middle class saved this world once but the way things are going, it is not going to last forever. With increasing consciousness about disparities and the accumulation of wealth within the hands of few, the people are going to unite soon to end all this up. May be this will not lead to any change of power but it will definitely bring something new to the table. I do not know about the whole world but I am hell fed up with the biasedness around me. I do think things need to he changed and it is not going to take long for that to happen. Now i do know why Marx is treated like a God by some. You can agree or disagree with him but you cannot ignore him. 

Day -52 Too many stories with almost similar endings

It was a beautiful day but the night is dark. As in nights are supposed to be dark only and there is nothing wrong with it. It is just that I am trying to sleep, so i feel this darkness is kind of getting heavy on my eyes but mind is still occupied. 

It has been 5 years. And still everything about this day reminds me of that one from 5 years back. I was very confused back then, i still am. But that day something told me that even if it goes wrong, i will give it a chance. 

I have regretted that thing. Yes, many times but i have also loved it for very different reasons. Yes, that day, I got him. May be he is my forever or may be he is not. I just want to leave it to the future. Beacause, i know i believe my story is special but it is like all those happening out there. And whatever will happen, it won’t be anything different. This way or that way, it is going to end like many others.

Bye.

 Last thing, i know many would not agree with me but i really do believe that ‘The Great Gatsby’ is a better love story then ‘The Titanic’. 

Day- 51 Late night bad thoughts

hmmm, well i was about to sleep and then these bad and negative thoughts started coming in. It happens often, just when I am about to close my eyes, i start imagining bad things. I cannot sleep with thoughts like these on my mind. I donot want bad dreams as well. I just hate it. To distract myself i thought i will write a post.
Well last two days were kind of chill. I was alone most of the time, watching netflix and and.. i read an article today in express about EWS quota. I really got pissed with the columnist trying to justify this quota. So i wrote an email to the editor. It really pisses me off that you are giving more and more quotas and no one ever thinks of a quota like this for women. They are the ones who need it desperately. Alas! the problem is we always think of ours sons first and about the daughters at last. I am really pissed that none of the columnists ever speak about it. This issue has never been even politicised properly.

Other then this, things are just fine. 

Day -50 What do we really desire in Life?

Last night I was about to sleep and in those last ten minutes a thought came, which I have not been able to ignore. The thing is I was thinking of going for PhD and I was very excited about it. And then this thought came when i was not even thinking about all this. It was somehting like, okay, I take admission, I start doing it, and then what? Another 5 years of pleasing someone, trying to meet some deadlines and submissions. What then? Even if I had a job or I start working, it will also involve the same things. Going for the job at fixed timings, flattering your seniors (not flatter them, but cannot be rude to them even if we do not like them). What will all this give?
And then, today morning I attened my first class of this semester. The topic revolved around Aristotle's understanding of happiness. He had divided goods (things which we want to achieve in life into three categories: sub-servient goods, subordinate goods and ultimate goods). So i did kind of gathered that money being the sub-servient good has to be achieved first and then you can go onto other ones. There exists a heirarchy in these goods and I will have to go through the first two first, to reach the ultimate one. I do not know if he is correct or not but it did answer my worries for the meanwhile. So I am kind of glad that I attended this lecture.