Sunday, 13 January 2019

Day- 51 Late night bad thoughts

hmmm, well i was about to sleep and then these bad and negative thoughts started coming in. It happens often, just when I am about to close my eyes, i start imagining bad things. I cannot sleep with thoughts like these on my mind. I donot want bad dreams as well. I just hate it. To distract myself i thought i will write a post.
Well last two days were kind of chill. I was alone most of the time, watching netflix and and.. i read an article today in express about EWS quota. I really got pissed with the columnist trying to justify this quota. So i wrote an email to the editor. It really pisses me off that you are giving more and more quotas and no one ever thinks of a quota like this for women. They are the ones who need it desperately. Alas! the problem is we always think of ours sons first and about the daughters at last. I am really pissed that none of the columnists ever speak about it. This issue has never been even politicised properly.

Other then this, things are just fine. 

Thursday, 10 January 2019

Day -50 What do we really desire in Life?

Last night I was about to sleep and in those last ten minutes a thought came, which I have not been able to ignore. The thing is I was thinking of going for PhD and I was very excited about it. And then this thought came when i was not even thinking about all this. It was somehting like, okay, I take admission, I start doing it, and then what? Another 5 years of pleasing someone, trying to meet some deadlines and submissions. What then? Even if I had a job or I start working, it will also involve the same things. Going for the job at fixed timings, flattering your seniors (not flatter them, but cannot be rude to them even if we do not like them). What will all this give?
And then, today morning I attened my first class of this semester. The topic revolved around Aristotle's understanding of happiness. He had divided goods (things which we want to achieve in life into three categories: sub-servient goods, subordinate goods and ultimate goods). So i did kind of gathered that money being the sub-servient good has to be achieved first and then you can go onto other ones. There exists a heirarchy in these goods and I will have to go through the first two first, to reach the ultimate one. I do not know if he is correct or not but it did answer my worries for the meanwhile. So I am kind of glad that I attended this lecture. 

Tuesday, 18 December 2018

Day- 49 I just wonder sometimes, Am I actually rude or rather in others words ‘Badtmeez’?

This is not the first time that I have been told by someone that ‘I am extremely rude.’ I have an easy temper and i lose it all the time but only with peole I am close to. Today it is different, someone said ‘main badtmeez hun.’am
Am i actually? After so many years and after being told by so many people, i think I should accept it. And, rather work over it. Problem is i use to think I am calm. Well, it is so not true. 

Sunday, 16 December 2018

Day- 48 celebrity crushes

Everyone has celebrity crushes. It can be an actor, actress, director, writer, singer, journalist or politician. Options are just unlimited and in this age of social media, you have access to unlimited stars and it is easy to just fall in love with them everyday. I cannot count on fingers how many celebrity crushes I have. There is no number for them. But yes there has been this one constant since my childhood, it is Salman Khan.
I know, i know, whenever i tell people this, they give shocked wale expressions. But i have no control over my attraction for Salman. He is old now, around 48, not a very good actor and there are other things as well but I still love him. I stopped watching his movies long back because i knew i would dislike him and i never want to see him negatively. He is gorgeous and most handsome man for me. He is humorous too, and i like such people. I think it has nothing to do with his acting skills or looks. I just liked him the most as a child, ofcourse after watching his movies, he was good because back then. But now it is so because i have always liked him. There is this other actor, Will Smith, he is also my love. Both salman and Will Smith are my favourites. Anyways i spent so much time writing about Slaman, because i just finished watching big boss and i just feel more love for him, when i watch him on screen. And as Will Smith has always been my phone’s wallpaper, so he is always kind of infront of  me, and I could not have finished my ‘celebrity crush’ post without mentioning him. 

Friday, 14 December 2018

Day 47 - hard decisions

There are some days when you just lie down and think. Think about everything, think about others, think about things you do or you don’t do, think about your past, think about the present and the future to come.
Why do you do all this thinking? To change life, to retrospect, to delete things, to add things. No not for any of this. You think and you think hard when some decisions are to be made. I have been doing the same today. Unfortunately, i can never plan my decisions, they always have to be spontaneous, stupid and last minute. I have never made a single, conscious, well thought of decision in my life. But  i want to change that today. I have decided that i am going to live like this only for another 6 months. And after that if i am not happy about it, i will change everything about it, A to Z.

Yes, what that change is going to be? I don’t know yet, let the time come first. Anyways talking about unplanned decisions, i have to tell you this becaue i forgot to mention this when it actually happened. I had this exam atleast a month back, for which i had to go to mathura, the same day from Delhi. I had a 6 clock train and as usual i did not sleep whole night because i knew in winters i cannot get up at 4.30 am. So i watched random movies all night and did not sleep because i was so sure that i can manage staying up the next day. By 5 i started to feel sleepy but by then i had to rush, because my cab was already at the door. So i thought to myslef that no problem i can manag e. I reached within ten minutes at the station and in that 10 minute ride, all i wanted to do was to sleep. When i reached the station and i was waiting for my train, i had an hour to kill. The weather was really cold and sleep was all over my mind. I called up two of my friends asking them should i go if i am this sleepy. They said you should definitely go. But by then i had made my mind. I just cancelled my ticket. Now i had no choice, i took a cab and went back to my bed, off to sleep. Now one thing which i don’t understand is why i wasted cab money and ticket money, if i had to end up sleeping only. I don’t know if i gain anything with all this or not but yes this hellish undecisiveness  always cost me a lot.

Hope to see you tomorrow.

Thursday, 13 December 2018

Day -46 coming back

So i guess i can never be regular with anything. But trust me i had problems, papa was not keeping well, semester exams and everything. You know things can not always be good and you cannot always stick to the schedule. Though i would give anything in this world to keep my mind stuck to something.

Shit happens because we think shit. What should i do? May be just stop thinking and atleast for a while i would be away from negativity. But then i am not overtly negative today. Today it is more like  a neutral day. I met two of my friends today after a long long time. And one of them kind of reminded  me that i have a blog which has to be updated. He mentioned something about my last post and that was like the big reminder i needed about you. So here I am. But what do i say? The same old problem. Yea tomorrow i will, now i better sleep. I feel like i am high on something but I am not. Trust me. 

Monday, 19 November 2018

Day -45 Relief

Finally, done with all the submissions. There is a sense of satisfaction when you are done with all you have planned. Well i am not a ‘planning the day’ kind of person. I do everything last minute. But there is one remorse this semester, i did not spend that much of time om my assignments as i would have liked to. Most of them were done superficially. You know when you read everything and do everything with a birdeye’s view and do not go much in detail. 

Anyways i am done so i am happy. Now i just want to get back to my old schedule. I will sleep like a log (a royal log, heard this expression recently in a movie, liked it way too much) today. Usually when i am doing my semester work, i take that as a holiday. I relax and sleep more then necessary and lots of other stuff as well. The two movies inhad said i would right about some day. Well today is not the day. Yeah, i recently watched ‘Sacred games’, great show. Cast was perfect. And, yeah all i wanted to do after watching it for straight 5 hours was to abuse more (give gaalis) to everyone. It kind of makes you adapt with those kind of words which you would otherwise normally cringe at. 

Overall, may be because of the mood, i enjoyed it much more then i would have originally have as it is not even that great. Just like this one day, i was too stressed out and went out  to watch a very ridiculous punjab movie (laung lachi). I found it very funny but no one from family liked it. 

Sunday, 18 November 2018

day -44 pity

So i have been away for a long long time. My end semester exams are approaching. Lot of submissions, so i was plain busy. I am still not done with them but yes only two more to go. Anyways, so past few days have been busy plus full of stress. How is a personal jorunal meant to be? Am i to write everything here!?? If it is so then may be i should start doing it.
So there was this ex-roomate of mine, who was a friend once. I would rather not call her a friend because i never liked her much. You know how you get stuck into some unwanted friendships. Same thing happened here. I was stuck into it as i could not say it one her face that i did not like her at all. If she would have been a nicer person, it would have been easy. But no she was not - back biting, and one thing which i don’t get is some people’s problem with personal aggrandisement.
One day i got a chance and let it all out. I was glad of that because i got a chance to not to pretend anymore to like her.
All was done but becaue of some interaction we were forced to have, due to some group assignments, i was just stuck once again. Glad that is over too. Only one thing i ever want to say to her now is that ‘dude chill, everything is not about instagram and Facebook.’ Everything is not about putting up a show in front of people. Everything is not about begging people to like you. Everything is not about fake pictures, fake profiles. Everything should be about what is inside of you. You will not get peace by forcing people to like you and love you. You need to love yourself. I saw you, you were venomous about everyone, when you never liked them why did you try so hard to win their likeness. These things do not matter, what matters is satisfaction, which comes from inside and not by posting pictures online and telling people that you are so good.
Some times it really bothers me, some people’s craving for attention. Dude chill, relax!! Take a look at your life and try to be perfect inside out, and do not just try to appear perfect virtually or in crowds. By trying to isolate me, you are only isolating yourself.

Thats it! All i wanted to say. May be i am also letting out my anger only, may be i am wrong but that is how i felt. Plain and simple. The topic for me is over now. Enough time wasted on it. And now all i feel for her is little pity, which i know is wrong but i can not help it. Happy ending.

Other than that life is pretty simple. I need to go back to my routine, like, writing this blog and so much more. It is good to be back. Take care. I will see you tomorrow.i

Friday, 9 November 2018

Day-43 Fickle-minded

I know i said i would write everyday. But then i saw this article in the newspaper about journal writing, it said you do not have to write everyday. Write whenever you have time and when you have something to write. Plus keeping an entry like this sharpens your brain. So i got lazy and now i post when i am done doing all the stupid things which are not even important.

It is too cold here in jnu
I went home for diwali. It was not this cold there. I have stayed in jammu as well, but there is something special about delhi ki thand. I use to wonder whenever somebody use to mention how cold delhi is, but i realized it only when i came to jnu. Fond memories.

Anyways i have 5 term papers to write for my semester this time in like 4-5 days. And, i have no time. I have time but i waste it way too much. Amd plus you saw how fickle minded I am, i change my perceptions and opinions in seconds. I get carried away in minutes. That's it for today. I am going to sleep. Good night.

Saturday, 3 November 2018

Day 42 - travelling

I hate travelling. I think it is the worst thing in this world. I want everything to be nearby or at a walking distance. I do not like the idea of travelling in a moving car, train, bus or two wheeler. It has not always been the same, there was a time i loved the journeys, now i don't. I think it comes with age, as you age, you tend to like movement or change of any kind, less.

There was a time when i would travel overnight and would still be active yhe next day. I liked the hustle bustle in lofe, crazy timings, odd sleep hours and 3-4 hours sleep was also enough. But now it is different, i like stability, a routine, continuous disruptions bother me a lot, i definitely need 8 hours sleep. Recently i had to appear for an exam, for that i had to go to Mathura, I had a train at 5.50 in the morning from Nizzamudin railway station. I would have reached the exam centre by 8.30 and 3xam started at 9.30 am. There was another exam in the afternoon and 2 hours waiting time in between. In the evening, i was suppose to take a bus back to Delhi.
The day before the train i did not sleep till 5, because i usualy do not sleep before 5. At 5, i had already reached the station but i was feeling sleepy. I called up two of my friends and told them i did not want to go for the exam, as all i wanted to do then was to sleep. They told me that if do not feel like going then i should not. Because i told them i would sleep during the exam or i will not get up in the train itself in 2 hours and would just miss the station. Finally, i cancelled my ticket at the station itself and by 6 in the morning i was back in hostel.

Something like this i woudl have never done an year or two back. But i did now. The paper is not the matter, it is about my changing personality.  Have i become more cautious and rigid about things. Have i lost my risk taking ability?? Did i not trust myself to be safe anywhere? I like few things about the new me but some i seriously don't.

Thursday, 1 November 2018

Day 41 - posting early today


Why i believe in god? Am i a god fearing person or a god loving person? It might be a gross generalisation but i believe most of the people are god fearing only. I think that is why Bhagat Singh said in 'Why I am an athiest?' that people believe in god beacause they want some faith to rely upon, one they can turn back too. He said he had found his faith in something else so he does not have to rely on religion. He found his strength in this other but people usually depend on god for their strength.

This is the reason i believe people are mostly god fearing beacause they fear that they will lose their strength if they turn away from god or religion. And, i am no different, i fear him, so i believe in him. Two or three days ago i was thinking about this and thought to myself, why can't i just stop believing in him when i am not sure of his existence and when i know that it is something which has been created by the society.
But i just do not have the courage to dissociate myself from him because i feel i will lose something important if i turn an atheist. This is the end, may be one day i will.

Day- 51 Late night bad thoughts

hmmm, well i was about to sleep and then these bad and negative thoughts started coming in. It happens often, just when I am about to close...