Monday, 19 November 2018

Day -45 Relief

Finally, done with all the submissions. There is a sense of satisfaction when you are done with all you have planned. Well i am not a ‘planning the day’ kind of person. I do everything last minute. But there is one remorse this semester, i did not spend that much of time om my assignments as i would have liked to. Most of them were done superficially. You know when you read everything and do everything with a birdeye’s view and do not go much in detail. 

Anyways i am done so i am happy. Now i just want to get back to my old schedule. I will sleep like a log (a royal log, heard this expression recently in a movie, liked it way too much) today. Usually when i am doing my semester work, i take that as a holiday. I relax and sleep more then necessary and lots of other stuff as well. The two movies inhad said i would right about some day. Well today is not the day. Yeah, i recently watched ‘Sacred games’, great show. Cast was perfect. And, yeah all i wanted to do after watching it for straight 5 hours was to abuse more (give gaalis) to everyone. It kind of makes you adapt with those kind of words which you would otherwise normally cringe at. 

Overall, may be because of the mood, i enjoyed it much more then i would have originally have as it is not even that great. Just like this one day, i was too stressed out and went out  to watch a very ridiculous punjab movie (laung lachi). I found it very funny but no one from family liked it. 

Sunday, 18 November 2018

day -44 pity

So i have been away for a long long time. My end semester exams are approaching. Lot of submissions, so i was plain busy. I am still not done with them but yes only two more to go. Anyways, so past few days have been busy plus full of stress. How is a personal jorunal meant to be? Am i to write everything here!?? If it is so then may be i should start doing it.
So there was this ex-roomate of mine, who was a friend once. I would rather not call her a friend because i never liked her much. You know how you get stuck into some unwanted friendships. Same thing happened here. I was stuck into it as i could not say it one her face that i did not like her at all. If she would have been a nicer person, it would have been easy. But no she was not - back biting, and one thing which i don’t get is some people’s problem with personal aggrandisement.
One day i got a chance and let it all out. I was glad of that because i got a chance to not to pretend anymore to like her.
All was done but becaue of some interaction we were forced to have, due to some group assignments, i was just stuck once again. Glad that is over too. Only one thing i ever want to say to her now is that ‘dude chill, everything is not about instagram and Facebook.’ Everything is not about putting up a show in front of people. Everything is not about begging people to like you. Everything is not about fake pictures, fake profiles. Everything should be about what is inside of you. You will not get peace by forcing people to like you and love you. You need to love yourself. I saw you, you were venomous about everyone, when you never liked them why did you try so hard to win their likeness. These things do not matter, what matters is satisfaction, which comes from inside and not by posting pictures online and telling people that you are so good.
Some times it really bothers me, some people’s craving for attention. Dude chill, relax!! Take a look at your life and try to be perfect inside out, and do not just try to appear perfect virtually or in crowds. By trying to isolate me, you are only isolating yourself.

Thats it! All i wanted to say. May be i am also letting out my anger only, may be i am wrong but that is how i felt. Plain and simple. The topic for me is over now. Enough time wasted on it. And now all i feel for her is little pity, which i know is wrong but i can not help it. Happy ending.

Other than that life is pretty simple. I need to go back to my routine, like, writing this blog and so much more. It is good to be back. Take care. I will see you tomorrow.i

Friday, 9 November 2018

Day-43 Fickle-minded

I know i said i would write everyday. But then i saw this article in the newspaper about journal writing, it said you do not have to write everyday. Write whenever you have time and when you have something to write. Plus keeping an entry like this sharpens your brain. So i got lazy and now i post when i am done doing all the stupid things which are not even important.

It is too cold here in jnu
I went home for diwali. It was not this cold there. I have stayed in jammu as well, but there is something special about delhi ki thand. I use to wonder whenever somebody use to mention how cold delhi is, but i realized it only when i came to jnu. Fond memories.

Anyways i have 5 term papers to write for my semester this time in like 4-5 days. And, i have no time. I have time but i waste it way too much. Amd plus you saw how fickle minded I am, i change my perceptions and opinions in seconds. I get carried away in minutes. That's it for today. I am going to sleep. Good night.

Saturday, 3 November 2018

Day 42 - travelling

I hate travelling. I think it is the worst thing in this world. I want everything to be nearby or at a walking distance. I do not like the idea of travelling in a moving car, train, bus or two wheeler. It has not always been the same, there was a time i loved the journeys, now i don't. I think it comes with age, as you age, you tend to like movement or change of any kind, less.

There was a time when i would travel overnight and would still be active yhe next day. I liked the hustle bustle in lofe, crazy timings, odd sleep hours and 3-4 hours sleep was also enough. But now it is different, i like stability, a routine, continuous disruptions bother me a lot, i definitely need 8 hours sleep. Recently i had to appear for an exam, for that i had to go to Mathura, I had a train at 5.50 in the morning from Nizzamudin railway station. I would have reached the exam centre by 8.30 and 3xam started at 9.30 am. There was another exam in the afternoon and 2 hours waiting time in between. In the evening, i was suppose to take a bus back to Delhi.
The day before the train i did not sleep till 5, because i usualy do not sleep before 5. At 5, i had already reached the station but i was feeling sleepy. I called up two of my friends and told them i did not want to go for the exam, as all i wanted to do then was to sleep. They told me that if do not feel like going then i should not. Because i told them i would sleep during the exam or i will not get up in the train itself in 2 hours and would just miss the station. Finally, i cancelled my ticket at the station itself and by 6 in the morning i was back in hostel.

Something like this i woudl have never done an year or two back. But i did now. The paper is not the matter, it is about my changing personality.  Have i become more cautious and rigid about things. Have i lost my risk taking ability?? Did i not trust myself to be safe anywhere? I like few things about the new me but some i seriously don't.

Thursday, 1 November 2018

Day 41 - posting early today


Why i believe in god? Am i a god fearing person or a god loving person? It might be a gross generalisation but i believe most of the people are god fearing only. I think that is why Bhagat Singh said in 'Why I am an athiest?' that people believe in god beacause they want some faith to rely upon, one they can turn back too. He said he had found his faith in something else so he does not have to rely on religion. He found his strength in this other but people usually depend on god for their strength.

This is the reason i believe people are mostly god fearing beacause they fear that they will lose their strength if they turn away from god or religion. And, i am no different, i fear him, so i believe in him. Two or three days ago i was thinking about this and thought to myself, why can't i just stop believing in him when i am not sure of his existence and when i know that it is something which has been created by the society.
But i just do not have the courage to dissociate myself from him because i feel i will lose something important if i turn an atheist. This is the end, may be one day i will.

Wednesday, 31 October 2018

Day 40


Tired!! Had a long day. I have to get up really early tomorrow, so probably i would just go to sleep now. I had thought about writing whether i believe in god or not? I guess i will write about it tomorrow now.

So, bye!!!

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Day 39 - agression

Sometimes i think that this blog should be not about agression at all but then there are times when i feel so frustrated that all i wish to do is to shout out loud and tell that person to just fuck off.

There is this person i hate so much these days, though i never had good feelings about that person but earlier i was neutral. Now i have deep anguish. What did that person do? The answer is not simple, it never hurted me personally but even the normal acts of that person irritated me so much that all  i always wanted to do was to slap that person. I can never be on good terms with people who try to dictate my life or would want me to do things according to them. Their constant criticism about me which is not upfront but indirect and subtle, the way they try to project me as someone not so appropriate irritates me. Such people would praise you and talk behind your back. I hate such people who think they are just perfect and rest everyone is a chutiya.

My only question to them is 'if you are so perfect why do you have to advertise it so often?' Why do you have to prove it to people? And, the answer is because you are not so perfect and your insecurities about being considered less then perfect by others, make you do all that. It is the imperfection in you which makes you talk about others behind their back. And that is the reason i do not have to give justifications to people but you have to because you are so wrong and you know it.