Day 17

I am awake at 4 in the morning. I hate doing this but then there are days when you can't sleep and are binge watching your favorite shows. It was not a very great day. I want to write more but I really feel sleepy now. So i am just going to end it here and would continue with something interesting tomorrow. And, like everytime when I am about to end, something comes up and i continue this.

It is about relationships. I am not in a very good phase of my relationship. It is going through a rough patch right now. It has always been, I donot know whose fault it is? But i just feel sometimes it is your destiny which pulls you apart. I thought a lot about it today but i JUST DON'T KNOW how to put it in words. There are some pent anger, remorse and love lost between the two of us. We do not really match up on every issue, there is a huge communication gap. Most importantly, we have not met for more than one and a half year. Long distance is hard. There was a time when I use to think what is so hard about it? And, now I know. It is just hard to carry on something which you cannot rely on completely. I can call him up, tell him everything but the presence is missing. Same goes for him. We can be there for each other but then we cannot be everywhere. I hope it is just a phase and it will pass soon. I did not want to write about this here but then I know it is more like a personal journal and less like a blog. 

Day 16

It was a normal day. I have not much to say. I have an exam on Monday morning and the day was spent mostly revising the old concepts. This one thing has been bothering me which I cans share, it is the  ‘permanence’. I ways thought once you like or start to hate (strong word) something, it will be like that forever. But no only change is the permanent thing. Be it mentally or physically, feelings and body degenrates and regenerates on it’s own, it  is cyclical. Nothing will stay the same.

I can think of this line by Rumi which was something like ‘whenever i step out of the river and step in again, it is not the same river, it changes.’ It is quite disheartening. Love, hate, people dear to you, friends, partners, family and emotions, no one will be there forever. Then why do we bound ourselves in emotions when you know it won’t last long. The pain that will follow will be unbearable and still we go on with life. Every man/woman knows this and still they continue to forge bonds and try to live life, the way they know it best. 

I on the otherside try to and pretend to be detached, i hava no control over it but still i try to. Because i fear, what it follows. More pain!! 

Day 15

Everytime i sit to write, I go blank. The whole day I keep telling myself, I will write about this, i will write about that and when I actually start, bland!! I hope this happens with all those who write regularly. There is one thing which has been on my mind the whole day, so i will talk about that only.

I watched this movie called ‘To the bone’ today, i was just looking for soemthing to watch and then I just came across this one. I watched first ten minutes and I was hooked to it. It was a about a girl, who named herself ‘Eli’ and was suffering from anorexia. I could relate to it because over the years I have taught myself to dislike food. I loved sweets once and now I can not even bear a bite of anything chocolatey, sweet. I loved coke (Soft drink), chips and butter when i was in my teens and now I hardly touch them.

It is not like I am loosing my weight drastically and I don’t eat at all or i exercise a lot but I have lost my taste forever. I only eat for the sake of eating and when I am hungry. But looking at Eli and other people in her group, I was horrified. I could have been there if I had not stopped myself. I still remember those days when i use to walk and walk and practically lived only on tea. I use to cycle a lot and eat only two chappatis a day. And then one day I blacked out, while getting up. I hurt myself pretty bad on head and neck. This happened once again and I somehow felt that i should not completely quit eating. 

I will not say I live a completely healthy lifestyle now but now i go out and eat. I take my meals regularly, though i have lost my taste for food completely. I never drool for food. You might call it healthy but i will still call it sick because it is what we live for ( I am just saying this, i don’t practice it) and I have lost interest in this very important thing only.

When I watched Eli or Ellen today, i saw my craziness in her. I use to count calories of everything i ate in a day and kept myself in check to not to eat more than 2,000 calories a day. This problem I guess many teens go through, and it happens with societal pressure. It is mostly not even questioned or considered unhealthy because our society has set these standards of thin and fat, where thin is compared to beauty and fat with ugliness. I won’t say I am completely cured because still I go crazy if my weight goes over 55. And i do not how many are struggling over this, just like me. 

This problem which society, parents and us all do not understand has completely gone unnoticed by others as well. I am sure many can relate to my story. And, i will blame all this on the idea of beauty which this society has set on us. Fair complexion, thin body and  decent character are the attributes set for girls ( boys too), which one finds very difficult to distance herself from. I am also a victim of it and has also given my tacit consent to this structure which allows it to perpetuate.  I just hope  to take it back some day, when I will understand completely how unnerving, unhealthy and sick it is. 

Day 14

It has been 13 days since I started writing this daily blog. It is very difficult to think of a particular title everyday and then stick to it. Since i started it as a daily challenge, I would only number the days completed.

It was a funny day. I woke up beaming today, full of smiles. I had an exam which I was not much prepared for but that is how they usually go. Rest of the day was full of incidents, not many but a lot at the same time. 

I was watching this episode of ‘zindagi gulzar hai’, it is daily soap kind of thing but it has only one season with 20 plus episodes. I enjoy it because it is closer to life and relates to so many things we face in everyday living. Kashaf (the lead) tells her sister that ‘ zindagi ki azaishyen (mushkil) hain ki khatam hi nhi hoti, har baar ek nayi musibat, jab bhi pichli khatam hoti hai toh lagta hai ab zindagi asan ho jayegi lekin zindagi hai ki kabhi asan hoti hi nahi hai.’ It is so true, I may not be quoting her verbatim but I cannot put it in more beautiful words than she did. 

We take life as life and we wait for it to get smooth but it never does because it is life. I can relate to almost everything Kashaf  feels in that show ( expect for, in the  post marriage scenario). 

Exam pressure

Hi,

I am busy with my mid semesters examinations. I have the most difficult one tomorrow and I wanted to update an old article, I had written once, to save time but I cannot find it now. So, I am just writing a small one today. It is more like a diary entry as I cannot really think of something to talk about at this point of time. I always promise myself that I will study way before the exam next time but I always end up leaving it to the last day. I have always said I hate exams but inside I just love them. I believe they are the days of most activity and curiosity. They are just crazy, they never leave you pondering over things like ‘what is life?’, ‘ what is happening around the world?’. It is like an escape from the ardous daily life. I hate them because i love them so much. I wish I could have exams every month, they should be made regular, instead of yearly or semester wise, they should go for something like monthly exams. 

Anyways this brings me to this one line which I heard yesterday, it was like, ‘ hum jahan bhi jate hain sochte hain ki change aa gya hai, ab enjoy krenge, par hota aisa hi ki us change ko hi hum apni life maanne lagte hain aur bs fir usi mein hi reh jate hain.’ I think that is why i like exams, tehy break the monotony of daily classes and everything. They bring in some kind of zest and activity which we miss on normal days. Anyways, I am leaving it at this point. I did not want to lose my challenge, so I had to write something. This might be abrupt or senseless but this is all I had today. 

Two of a Kind

This one I clicked very recently. I am just sharing it becaue the background and she compliment each other beautifully. It is a perfect example of two entirely different things coming together and completing each other, they are two parts of a whole. That is how relationships and parnterships are meant to be. Two people with varied inclinations, hobbies and attitudes fall in love and fill the voids, which would have never been filled otherwise. Though one thing I don’t get is, why with time they fall apart?? Is it suppose to be temporary or the conditions which once brought them together are now pushing them away as well. A big mystery, why do we fall in and out of love so often? This ‘forever’ concept does not gel in with the over all reality of life. The beauty which romantic novels or movies create around this ‘forever’, does it even exist in real life? I have not really seen it, so I should not be the one answering it. But this does not mean I can not ponder over it. Being a fan of classics like ‘Gone with the wind’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and ‘ Anna Karenina’, I had always hoped of finding something like this in my life too. And I must confess this that I have failed hopelessly. Either, I expected too much  or it was a fairytale only, which never really existed. 

Too many injustices

I have too many things going on my mind right now. Bt i need to choose one so as to continue writing. Well, I think this pne is worth discussing, the National Family Planning Programme run during the emergency by Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi, is quite infamous. I had read about it time and again. But today I came across this article ( I have an exam tomorrow, so it was part of syllabus), probably a research paper by an author called Emaa Tarlo, which talked about how notorious it became with time.

First of all, it was not just forced sterlizations, it was the added punitive measures like forcing your friends, family and strangers to go through sterlizations. Sanjay Gandhi the force behind this evil setup, forced DDA( delhi development authority) to offer plots for rehabilitation only to those who would get sterlized or would motivate others to go through it. Not just common people but government servants were also forced through it, they either had to do it to themselves or to motivate others. This unleashed a different kind of violence where your very manhood or womanhood came under threat from society. It was the chaos of Hobbes’state of nature, the only difference was it was being imposed by the State itself, which is suppose to be a protector. 

Tarlo talked about this co-victimisation of people one at the hands of authority and other by their own folks. This violence was unjustified and unaccounted for, even today. When government can pay compensation to big corporates for their losses or politicians or bureaucrats then why the question of compensation for these victims of State violence never arose. But then the list of such victims is not small. There are too many around the world, who have been never given justice for the  genocides, with different facets, inflicted on them by thier own protectors. 

It is our judgement that defeats us

‘It is our judgement that defeats us’, when Marlon Brando (Colonel Kurtz) says this to Captain Williard (Martin Sheen), i was left speechless. This is the biggest anathema faced by people today. Being judged or being judgemental kills the whole adventure.

Let me explain with an example, I like a boy and I am planning on telling him. But before me somebody has already told him about my intentions. From that time onwards he has been contemplating what his reaction should be? He is also getting judgemental about my actions withouht even giving me a chance to tell him anything. This will ruin any chance of having a good relationship. This is a very naive and childish example but this problem of getting judged, has come up in every day experiences of life. 

This very thing, being judgemental, which we hate, we are its’ greatest vicitims too. I am not saying I don’t have this issue. I am just looking for a solution. Let me tell you about another instance, I have seen this girl many times on campus, she has not waxed any of her body parts, like legs or arms and she continues to wear shorts, skirts etc. etc. There is nothing wrong about it. But I could not help myself from staring at her again and again, first few times I saw her. I don’t want to have any opinions about her as I don’t even know her name but I can not help it. I am sure many people face this when they don’t even want to do it yet you  have no power over it. 

I might be wrong about the sense in which Kurtz said this but that is how I feel about judgements. It is very easy to say that I am not judgemental but it is very hard to not to be. Infact, I feel it is impossible. I can never go without making opinions about someone I meet the first time. And, i do that most of the times. In the end, I can onlys say, you cannot stop your mind but yeah what can do is to not to impose your judgements on others. Atleast not make everything uncomfortable for you, not so comforting for others too, will not set a good example. 

The Good in the Bad

There is some good in every bad. That is how i felt today when I saw her.

I met her today around 5 pm, in front of central library. I have never seen someone as pretty as her, so I had to take a picture. She was calm and composed and even posed for it. She just sat there and did not move at all when I clicked her  4-5 times, not even an inch. Once I was done, she flew away. 

I said yesterday,  I was not in a very good mood and then she  came and lifted my mood up. Perhaps if I had not been this pensive, I would have never got a chance to see her and would have just ignored her. So i guess there is beauty in everyone and everything and in every situation. What matters is how much time you take to realize it? I have missed so many things in life because I failed to see the good in them on time. 

I might regret those failed times today but I have lost them now and perhaps they will never come. It is not like I will not get any opportunities now but bygones are bygones. And, i feel there are so many like me who miss on things because of their hindsight, try to reason, try to test the boundaries. Do not make hasty decisions based on what you see? Reality is conflictual and not always very clear, see beyond the way things are being presented to you and you will never miss the right time. 

Gud luck to all!! 

Hannah Arendt

I am too tired today and not in a very good mood. So I do not have much to say today. I have started watching this movie on Hanah Arendt which was released in 2012, i wish i could watch it in english (only option is subtitles).

Though, I feel sleepy but I am pretty sure this movie is going to add something to me ao i will go back to it. 

People have always told me it is difficult to understand her but I am giving myself a chance to know more about her. She intrigues me. Anyways I think this is enough for today, will write back tomorrow and I will deifinitely talk about ‘What. Adolf Eichman’s trial was all about?’ Or what made Hannah talk about ‘banality of evil’. 

You never stay the same!!

It feels good when you do not feel negative about anyone and anything. This is one of those days, when you only feel pleasant. No hard feelings!! I had a hearty chat with two very impportant ( well, for me atleast) people.

And all this made me wonder about one thing ‘why do we get so negative and that too so often?’ Years back, when I was in the first year of my engineering, one of my friends gave a glass of water which was half filled and asked me to describe it? I said it is half empty. And she told me this explains that you tend to get negative easily. Before that I had always thought pf myself as a very positive person. I brushed it off with a joke but over the years I have recalled this incident again and again to judge others and myself. 

She was not wrong I am negative but I guess we all are. There are days when I am not in the mood and I see glass as half empty and then there are days like today, when I see the glass as half full. And, I have only been able to make one conclusion that there will be both kind of days in life. So better not put you through this tough binary and try to always think of yourself as a positive person. It is just the attitude that matters and it evolves over time. You won’t be always the same. 

Art of Speed Reading

No

Clue! 

What do I write about!? 

Yes, I could talk about the art of reading books in a small amount of time. As you know there are infinte number of books on the earth and as a lover of reading, I would want to read all of those books (there are many like me who would think along those lines). But how can I finish all these books with so much to do and such a short life. 

So, I have a trick to read fast, which one of my teachers shared with me. It is very simple and it hardly takes an hour or so, if interesting it may take more time. And trust me I am not talking about novels, those books can be mostly judged by their summaries available online these days. This one is about reading books on varied genres politics, sociology, philosophy etc. etc. You go througj the introduction chapter and further as long as you are able to find the main argument the author is trying to make. Once you find it, you can go to the conclusion chapter to find something to support that argument. Or you can read first two paras of every chapter after introduction so that you get a rough idea of how he proves his point. 

If it would be a good book, you would bother reading it fully. But if it is an avearage book, this activity will save you a lot of time for good books. You will get the crux of the book in much less time and you could always count it as one of your read books. 

I am reading ‘Sophie’s World’, i will write about it once I finish but so far I have liked it. It is simple yet conveys such deep thoughts. 

Try this activity for yourself. Happy reading!! 

5th day with love

This another beautiful movie which I bothered to watch today, made my day. ‘Once again’, like us kids, why can not our parents or elders fall in love again? Why is it such a taboo to think of our mother or father being in love again? Why relationships or love should be felt for only and one person? Why do marriages have to be so sacrosanct that developing feelings for some one other than your partner or husband, should be considered infidelity only? Why can’t I love more then one men at the same time or may be fall in love again? 

This is the story which Shefali Shah and Neeraj Kabi, try to tell through this simple story and their beautiful acting. Story of two people, who have lost their partners, finding a companion in each other. Their love is no different from the one younsters experience. Waiting for calls, looking forward to meet ecah other, butterflies whenever you see him, try to look extra nice for him and etc. etc. Shefali and Neeraj have not inhibited in expressing what they felt for their new found love. 

But as all stories do not end on the same happy note like reality, Shefali’s son does not accept it with an open heart, just like the society. They fight, they move apart, they long for each other but when they could not, just like us, how we are rebellious  in our 20s or 30s and fight for pur lovers, they also make a valid decision to stick together. There is this dialogue in the start which says, ‘Samandar itna pass hai fir bhi itna door kyu’. It suggests  love is so near  to us but because of this society we never accept it with an open heart.

Marriages or families are suppose to make a man feel welcomed in this world and not to choke their breath by not letting them love freely. I like Periyar’s idea of ‘self respect marriages’ a lot, may be our Indian society does not need a Uniform civil code or a hindu marriage act or Sharia. But it does need somehting on the lines of Periyar’s idea. These affiliations are made to set women free and not to clip their wings. Let us give our elders, who find love late, to feel it and express it joyously. 

The Fourth Day

So today is the fourth day, I wanted to write so many things but I am too tired and won’t be able to say much.

Yes, the political situation in JNU has escalated too much. There is a curfew like situation. We have been asked to not to go to any other hostel (other than your own) past 10 pm. And also there are some rumours about closing down the library every day at 11 pm. All this is unbearable. It is so much against the JNU culture. In the past year, I have found that this is the place (in India) where you realise your freedoms to the fullest. I can walk around the campus and take the silent, woody, forest like paths to be anywhere anytime without an iota of fear. This safe I had never felt anywhere else and now that safety, independence is under danger. Ofcourse, it is unbearable. I curse the people who played this dirty politics to bring JNU down to this condition. 

Anyways i am off to sleep, see you tomorrow. 

JNU toh ‘Lal’ hai

JNU toh ‘Lal’ hai 

It is my third day here today. I am very late in posting. I have lost the key to my table drawer actually. And, it has all the things i need everyday. Aargggghhh.. i hate it. 

Anyways i can only do something about it tommorow morning only. 

All I can talk about today is jnu elections. Last night around 12 we (me and two of friends) went out to see how the counting was coming along. We were getting messages like one student was kidnapped by some abvp goons (according to the story). And other than that lot of texts were coming in about how violent and scary the atmosphere was getting and, bsf, police and riot action force were on the campus to keep a check. 

I do not want to support or oppose any party. But I really feel politics is a dirty mess. It is this one thing which you should strictly keep your distance from. I mean, normal emapthetic humans get turned into these selfish bastards ( like crazy, violent men Hobbes feared), who would go to any extent to win elections. They will spread rumors, exploit emotions, lie, cheat, bribe, backstab and turn violent etc. etc. 

This is what I have hated so far the most in JNU, the politics of jnu. May be that very thing has only made jnu but i personally do not appreciate it. It is not constructive, and deeply depressing once you get even a bit involved in it. This time if somebody asks me that who I supported, I would say NOTA. 

That was the only genuine option after seeing the hypocrises of all the parties play around as shamelessly as any habitual criminal.  On one side, ABVP was trying to provocate Left by the gundas (students actually), they had called from DU and the grass was not any greener on the other side also.After escalating the situation to a    Violent level, left backed off to earn the sympathy votes. Both the parties were together at fault for this whole drama. 

In the end, JNU once again was painted ‘Lal’ all over. This time abvp was defeated with a much worse margin then the last time. Who so ever wins, ain’t any change is going to come into my life, at jnu. Whether abvp would have won or Left alliance ( like they did), i would have still lost my key and would have still spent half the day looking for it. 

Yes, one thing I want to add is, though I am not any fan of jnu politics or any party but I do like their ‘ Lal Salam’ a lot, it is inspiring in a way I will never be able to explain. Infact, the whole sloganeering process during these peak times, i enjoy. 

BIOSCOPE

As I have made a commitment to myself to update here a small writing piece everyday, so fulfilling my duty, here I am. I am writing it down on 14th September itself ( I am in an active mode right now, two updates on the same day but i know it will fade out soon). Though I will publish this one tomorrow only. 

So today it is about this beautiful movie ( i am not sure if it was a movie though), which was bengali or marathi, I am not sure as they all sound the same to me. I watched it with the help of subtitles (I thank god for this great innovation). It was an anthology of 4 stories which were done in the form of a poem. It had few dialogues and more prose. The name was ‘biopic’ and i watched it on netflix. Netflix does not have many bollywood movies or even hollywood ones but it does have some good classics and art movies. 

So i only watched three stories, which grabbed my interest. The first one revolved around a Padmashree award winner singer, who in her old age is living on by selling almonds for her expenses. She has no regrets about money but it is her longing to get a chance to perform again which gives an intriguing spin to this simple, yet so painful story. 

The second one revolved around a boy named swapnil who runs a garage shop. He is a great chap but due to his dark complexion, he is called ‘kawah’ i.e. crow. He is madly in love with her neighbour but never owns it up in front of her. The girl also loves him and keeps waiting for him to confess but he never does. He lives, in this, constant fear of his ugliness ( i don’t think he is ugly, it is how he sees himself). The added romantic poetry which adds both sadness and zest to this unique romantic story was my favourite. 

The third one i skipped, but this fourth one was my most favourite of the all. It starts with a monologue by a man who has been in love with his childhood friend and his college mate presently. They have known each other since forever and he has loved her since the same forever. One day, he sends out a letter to her, confessing his love. The girl takes it but replies with a confession about her sexuality. This confession was to a friend and not a lover. Though the boy finds it unnatural but he accepts her with an open heart as a friend. The best part is when he starts to call her Mitra instead of Sumitra. Set in the background of independence movement being on its peak. The end note is though India got it’s independence on 15th August, 1947 but people like Sumitra are still waiting for their true independence. With the decriminalisation of section 377 few days back by Supreme Court, a part of the problem has been resolved but there is a long way to go from here. 

If anybody is reading this, i would suggest you to please watch this movie. Because it is full of emotion, romanticism, longing and desire. It is beautifully shot and of course you will love the way poetry seeps in through every nook and corner. 

Challenge yourself

I was watching this movie few days ago which revolved around a ‘home cook’, who decides to challenge herself with finishing all the recipes given in a cookbook (aprox 500) in 365 days. This was to bring some kind of routine in her life as she had to manage it with her full time job and marriage. She was a ‘giving up easy’ type of person and wanted to change that very thing about herself. 

I thought of giving a challenge like this to myself. I am thinking of making this blog more like a journal and write everyday on it. Be it more or less. I know i need a challenge like this one the most. Because I am the one who gives up on everything halfway. I hope to start this journey believing that I will write up a post everyday. And I will not give up in between. May be by sticking to this routine will eventually motivate me to stick to other things in life as well. Hoping to start this thing on a good note and good day. I wish i succeed. I will do it for atleast an year, just like her. A movie gave me this idea, i guess there is always something you can learn from everything.