Day 17

I am awake at 4 in the morning. I hate doing this but then there are days when you can't sleep and are binge watching your favorite shows. It was not a very great day. I want to write more but I really feel sleepy now. So i am just going to end it here and would continue with something interesting tomorrow. And, like everytime when I am about to end, something comes up and i continue this.

It is about relationships. I am not in a very good phase of my relationship. It is going through a rough patch right now. It has always been, I donot know whose fault it is? But i just feel sometimes it is your destiny which pulls you apart. I thought a lot about it today but i JUST DON'T KNOW how to put it in words. There are some pent anger, remorse and love lost between the two of us. We do not really match up on every issue, there is a huge communication gap. Most importantly, we have not met for more than one and a half year. Long distance is hard. There was a time when I use to think what is so hard about it? And, now I know. It is just hard to carry on something which you cannot rely on completely. I can call him up, tell him everything but the presence is missing. Same goes for him. We can be there for each other but then we cannot be everywhere. I hope it is just a phase and it will pass soon. I did not want to write about this here but then I know it is more like a personal journal and less like a blog. 

Day 16

It was a normal day. I have not much to say. I have an exam on Monday morning and the day was spent mostly revising the old concepts. This one thing has been bothering me which I cans share, it is the  ‘permanence’. I ways thought once you like or start to hate (strong word) something, it will be like that forever. But no only change is the permanent thing. Be it mentally or physically, feelings and body degenrates and regenerates on it’s own, it  is cyclical. Nothing will stay the same.

I can think of this line by Rumi which was something like ‘whenever i step out of the river and step in again, it is not the same river, it changes.’ It is quite disheartening. Love, hate, people dear to you, friends, partners, family and emotions, no one will be there forever. Then why do we bound ourselves in emotions when you know it won’t last long. The pain that will follow will be unbearable and still we go on with life. Every man/woman knows this and still they continue to forge bonds and try to live life, the way they know it best. 

I on the otherside try to and pretend to be detached, i hava no control over it but still i try to. Because i fear, what it follows. More pain!! 

Day 15

Everytime i sit to write, I go blank. The whole day I keep telling myself, I will write about this, i will write about that and when I actually start, bland!! I hope this happens with all those who write regularly. There is one thing which has been on my mind the whole day, so i will talk about that only.

I watched this movie called ‘To the bone’ today, i was just looking for soemthing to watch and then I just came across this one. I watched first ten minutes and I was hooked to it. It was a about a girl, who named herself ‘Eli’ and was suffering from anorexia. I could relate to it because over the years I have taught myself to dislike food. I loved sweets once and now I can not even bear a bite of anything chocolatey, sweet. I loved coke (Soft drink), chips and butter when i was in my teens and now I hardly touch them.

It is not like I am loosing my weight drastically and I don’t eat at all or i exercise a lot but I have lost my taste forever. I only eat for the sake of eating and when I am hungry. But looking at Eli and other people in her group, I was horrified. I could have been there if I had not stopped myself. I still remember those days when i use to walk and walk and practically lived only on tea. I use to cycle a lot and eat only two chappatis a day. And then one day I blacked out, while getting up. I hurt myself pretty bad on head and neck. This happened once again and I somehow felt that i should not completely quit eating. 

I will not say I live a completely healthy lifestyle now but now i go out and eat. I take my meals regularly, though i have lost my taste for food completely. I never drool for food. You might call it healthy but i will still call it sick because it is what we live for ( I am just saying this, i don’t practice it) and I have lost interest in this very important thing only.

When I watched Eli or Ellen today, i saw my craziness in her. I use to count calories of everything i ate in a day and kept myself in check to not to eat more than 2,000 calories a day. This problem I guess many teens go through, and it happens with societal pressure. It is mostly not even questioned or considered unhealthy because our society has set these standards of thin and fat, where thin is compared to beauty and fat with ugliness. I won’t say I am completely cured because still I go crazy if my weight goes over 55. And i do not how many are struggling over this, just like me. 

This problem which society, parents and us all do not understand has completely gone unnoticed by others as well. I am sure many can relate to my story. And, i will blame all this on the idea of beauty which this society has set on us. Fair complexion, thin body and  decent character are the attributes set for girls ( boys too), which one finds very difficult to distance herself from. I am also a victim of it and has also given my tacit consent to this structure which allows it to perpetuate.  I just hope  to take it back some day, when I will understand completely how unnerving, unhealthy and sick it is. 

Day 14

It has been 13 days since I started writing this daily blog. It is very difficult to think of a particular title everyday and then stick to it. Since i started it as a daily challenge, I would only number the days completed.

It was a funny day. I woke up beaming today, full of smiles. I had an exam which I was not much prepared for but that is how they usually go. Rest of the day was full of incidents, not many but a lot at the same time. 

I was watching this episode of ‘zindagi gulzar hai’, it is daily soap kind of thing but it has only one season with 20 plus episodes. I enjoy it because it is closer to life and relates to so many things we face in everyday living. Kashaf (the lead) tells her sister that ‘ zindagi ki azaishyen (mushkil) hain ki khatam hi nhi hoti, har baar ek nayi musibat, jab bhi pichli khatam hoti hai toh lagta hai ab zindagi asan ho jayegi lekin zindagi hai ki kabhi asan hoti hi nahi hai.’ It is so true, I may not be quoting her verbatim but I cannot put it in more beautiful words than she did. 

We take life as life and we wait for it to get smooth but it never does because it is life. I can relate to almost everything Kashaf  feels in that show ( expect for, in the  post marriage scenario). 

Exam pressure

Hi,

I am busy with my mid semesters examinations. I have the most difficult one tomorrow and I wanted to update an old article, I had written once, to save time but I cannot find it now. So, I am just writing a small one today. It is more like a diary entry as I cannot really think of something to talk about at this point of time. I always promise myself that I will study way before the exam next time but I always end up leaving it to the last day. I have always said I hate exams but inside I just love them. I believe they are the days of most activity and curiosity. They are just crazy, they never leave you pondering over things like ‘what is life?’, ‘ what is happening around the world?’. It is like an escape from the ardous daily life. I hate them because i love them so much. I wish I could have exams every month, they should be made regular, instead of yearly or semester wise, they should go for something like monthly exams. 

Anyways this brings me to this one line which I heard yesterday, it was like, ‘ hum jahan bhi jate hain sochte hain ki change aa gya hai, ab enjoy krenge, par hota aisa hi ki us change ko hi hum apni life maanne lagte hain aur bs fir usi mein hi reh jate hain.’ I think that is why i like exams, tehy break the monotony of daily classes and everything. They bring in some kind of zest and activity which we miss on normal days. Anyways, I am leaving it at this point. I did not want to lose my challenge, so I had to write something. This might be abrupt or senseless but this is all I had today. 

Two of a Kind

This one I clicked very recently. I am just sharing it becaue the background and she compliment each other beautifully. It is a perfect example of two entirely different things coming together and completing each other, they are two parts of a whole. That is how relationships and parnterships are meant to be. Two people with varied inclinations, hobbies and attitudes fall in love and fill the voids, which would have never been filled otherwise. Though one thing I don’t get is, why with time they fall apart?? Is it suppose to be temporary or the conditions which once brought them together are now pushing them away as well. A big mystery, why do we fall in and out of love so often? This ‘forever’ concept does not gel in with the over all reality of life. The beauty which romantic novels or movies create around this ‘forever’, does it even exist in real life? I have not really seen it, so I should not be the one answering it. But this does not mean I can not ponder over it. Being a fan of classics like ‘Gone with the wind’, ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and ‘ Anna Karenina’, I had always hoped of finding something like this in my life too. And I must confess this that I have failed hopelessly. Either, I expected too much  or it was a fairytale only, which never really existed. 

Too many injustices

I have too many things going on my mind right now. Bt i need to choose one so as to continue writing. Well, I think this pne is worth discussing, the National Family Planning Programme run during the emergency by Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi, is quite infamous. I had read about it time and again. But today I came across this article ( I have an exam tomorrow, so it was part of syllabus), probably a research paper by an author called Emaa Tarlo, which talked about how notorious it became with time.

First of all, it was not just forced sterlizations, it was the added punitive measures like forcing your friends, family and strangers to go through sterlizations. Sanjay Gandhi the force behind this evil setup, forced DDA( delhi development authority) to offer plots for rehabilitation only to those who would get sterlized or would motivate others to go through it. Not just common people but government servants were also forced through it, they either had to do it to themselves or to motivate others. This unleashed a different kind of violence where your very manhood or womanhood came under threat from society. It was the chaos of Hobbes’state of nature, the only difference was it was being imposed by the State itself, which is suppose to be a protector. 

Tarlo talked about this co-victimisation of people one at the hands of authority and other by their own folks. This violence was unjustified and unaccounted for, even today. When government can pay compensation to big corporates for their losses or politicians or bureaucrats then why the question of compensation for these victims of State violence never arose. But then the list of such victims is not small. There are too many around the world, who have been never given justice for the  genocides, with different facets, inflicted on them by thier own protectors. 

It is our judgement that defeats us

‘It is our judgement that defeats us’, when Marlon Brando (Colonel Kurtz) says this to Captain Williard (Martin Sheen), i was left speechless. This is the biggest anathema faced by people today. Being judged or being judgemental kills the whole adventure.

Let me explain with an example, I like a boy and I am planning on telling him. But before me somebody has already told him about my intentions. From that time onwards he has been contemplating what his reaction should be? He is also getting judgemental about my actions withouht even giving me a chance to tell him anything. This will ruin any chance of having a good relationship. This is a very naive and childish example but this problem of getting judged, has come up in every day experiences of life. 

This very thing, being judgemental, which we hate, we are its’ greatest vicitims too. I am not saying I don’t have this issue. I am just looking for a solution. Let me tell you about another instance, I have seen this girl many times on campus, she has not waxed any of her body parts, like legs or arms and she continues to wear shorts, skirts etc. etc. There is nothing wrong about it. But I could not help myself from staring at her again and again, first few times I saw her. I don’t want to have any opinions about her as I don’t even know her name but I can not help it. I am sure many people face this when they don’t even want to do it yet you  have no power over it. 

I might be wrong about the sense in which Kurtz said this but that is how I feel about judgements. It is very easy to say that I am not judgemental but it is very hard to not to be. Infact, I feel it is impossible. I can never go without making opinions about someone I meet the first time. And, i do that most of the times. In the end, I can onlys say, you cannot stop your mind but yeah what can do is to not to impose your judgements on others. Atleast not make everything uncomfortable for you, not so comforting for others too, will not set a good example. 

The Good in the Bad

There is some good in every bad. That is how i felt today when I saw her.

I met her today around 5 pm, in front of central library. I have never seen someone as pretty as her, so I had to take a picture. She was calm and composed and even posed for it. She just sat there and did not move at all when I clicked her  4-5 times, not even an inch. Once I was done, she flew away. 

I said yesterday,  I was not in a very good mood and then she  came and lifted my mood up. Perhaps if I had not been this pensive, I would have never got a chance to see her and would have just ignored her. So i guess there is beauty in everyone and everything and in every situation. What matters is how much time you take to realize it? I have missed so many things in life because I failed to see the good in them on time. 

I might regret those failed times today but I have lost them now and perhaps they will never come. It is not like I will not get any opportunities now but bygones are bygones. And, i feel there are so many like me who miss on things because of their hindsight, try to reason, try to test the boundaries. Do not make hasty decisions based on what you see? Reality is conflictual and not always very clear, see beyond the way things are being presented to you and you will never miss the right time. 

Gud luck to all!! 

Hannah Arendt

I am too tired today and not in a very good mood. So I do not have much to say today. I have started watching this movie on Hanah Arendt which was released in 2012, i wish i could watch it in english (only option is subtitles).

Though, I feel sleepy but I am pretty sure this movie is going to add something to me ao i will go back to it. 

People have always told me it is difficult to understand her but I am giving myself a chance to know more about her. She intrigues me. Anyways I think this is enough for today, will write back tomorrow and I will deifinitely talk about ‘What. Adolf Eichman’s trial was all about?’ Or what made Hannah talk about ‘banality of evil’. 

You never stay the same!!

It feels good when you do not feel negative about anyone and anything. This is one of those days, when you only feel pleasant. No hard feelings!! I had a hearty chat with two very impportant ( well, for me atleast) people.

And all this made me wonder about one thing ‘why do we get so negative and that too so often?’ Years back, when I was in the first year of my engineering, one of my friends gave a glass of water which was half filled and asked me to describe it? I said it is half empty. And she told me this explains that you tend to get negative easily. Before that I had always thought pf myself as a very positive person. I brushed it off with a joke but over the years I have recalled this incident again and again to judge others and myself. 

She was not wrong I am negative but I guess we all are. There are days when I am not in the mood and I see glass as half empty and then there are days like today, when I see the glass as half full. And, I have only been able to make one conclusion that there will be both kind of days in life. So better not put you through this tough binary and try to always think of yourself as a positive person. It is just the attitude that matters and it evolves over time. You won’t be always the same.