Day 36

Like most days it was uneventful. I spent most of the day in my room, so not much to talk about. I cannot even thinkmof anything right now. So, i guess i will just say goodbye. !!

Day 35 - do you think only organised life is good life?

Hey!!
Do you think discipline is must? Of course, any army person would say yes without any hesitation. But what about us ? Do you agree that a fixed routine, getting up at same time, eating same food, same activities  tend to get boring after a while.

I read ' vernoica decides to die' in my 12th standard. It had a small story about a housewife, who went into depression because she could not just cope with the regularity of her life. She had a good life, a rich husband, loving also, two perfect kids, a perfect house, no health issues but she went into depression because she did not know what to do with this everday perfect life. The book was full of small stories with mental patients suffering from some issues which majorly revolved around losing the will to live because they could not cope up with the 'normal' life, which we work for normally. What was wrong with these people? I still do not get it.

This book left a deep depression on me and post that I stopped reading any of Paulo Coelho's books. Since forever now i fear routines, i hate settled life, i just feel i am going to end up like one of his characters if i will get settled in a particular way. I do not know whether i will get out pf it or not but i know i want peace now, an ending. But then i fear, that  perfect ending would just be the end of everything for  me. Big dilemma!!

Bye!

Day 34- not much to say

Hey!

For the past two days, wifi has not been working properly so i was not able to post anything. Also, i did not have much to tell.
I had a very lazy day today but yesterday was interesting. I met three of old friends yesterday after a long time. It was fun. We went to PSR (this is a place in JNU, i really enjoy spending quality time there) and sat for like 3 hours and talked and talked. PSR is like a hilltop, which you get in the middle of a city like delhi. You can sit over large rocks and the fresh breeeze continues to flow through your hair, it is very serene. You can just sit there for hours and look at how small the world is.

It gives you a perspective to think about things when you look at them with open eyes and mind. One big problem with my generation and the ones next in line to me is that we are not very insightful. We look at things partially, accept them and then continue to believe them. We never bother looking at the other side. We are in such a hurry to get past the things that we fail to access and reflect upon our own decisions, judgements and situations. We pretend to be cool, not so judgemental like our parents or grandparents. We believe we know everything because we are modern but we fail to see that we do not know how to look at the whole picture. We live in the age of internet and social media, we have lost the power to question. We do not question, we just think we do. We raise issues for the sake of raising them up. Few days ago i saw people updating posts like 'we will miss you @deepak mishra' (former CJI) and there were n number of updates like that. But i am not sure if all of them know what he has added to your lives, which will make you miss him so much. This was the same chief judge you were criticising few days back when the issue of Master of Roster came out. We live in a blindfolded world, where when it is taken out, we see certain things, we accept them and then we are blindfolded again and the story goes on. We never get the whole story and we never bother to go after it. We are just okay with the peeks we get.
This is the reason, we so readily chose to ignore Indu Malhotra's verdict in the Sabarimala case because it was not a popular opinion . We might even chose to call her anti feminism, or use other words like that because she gave an unconventional view which was not popular, not revolutionary and not expected out of a woman. What we fail to see is the depth of her argument?
And this is because we have become habitual to half truths and baised perceptives.

Bye!!

Day 33- jealousy

Hey!!

'And what can i tell you? My brother, my killer!!
I can only say i miss you, i love you.' - while listening to this song, all i have been thinking about is the past, i miss now. There are some animosities, jealousies, angst against some one, whose name i do not even want to take. Not a lover, not a friend, not a he, not a she, it was some one more of a companion and less of a partner.

I wish i could talk more about it but those feelings can not find the right expression, not now, perhaps never in life. Some things cannot be understood, not in words atleast. Those days are cherished, remembered and wondered over day and night. The talks are revisited again and again. The reasons are debated and cross questioned. But It never comes to an end. The closure is near , we will meet someday somewhere, the air of silence will blow for a while and then it would just rain down in tears of joy, remorse and love. Everything would just settle down then.

Bye !

Day 32 - wishful

Hey!!
It would not be wrong to call this day wishful. I have wished for many things today, i don,'t want all of them to get fullfilled as some are really brutal (not for me, for others).
Temper is a bad omen. I always fear my temper, i know when it will raise its' head, i will not spare anyone. I will not care for anyone and anything at that point of time. I have worked a lot on it over the years. It was really bad in the start, i still remember my childhood, if under any condition i got angry, i would just quit eating, not even if mumma cried in front of me. Nobody could calm me down then.

But now things have changed i have learned to calm down myself. Though some times it is not easy but still I am way better now. Now i just go quiet and i avoid talking till the time i feel composed. One of my friends hurt himself really bad due to this issue. He got angry, one of these days and it was severe. He lost it so bad that he was in ICU for two days because of the stress, his heart beat slowed down so much that his heart could not pump blood properly. It was only agression which pushed him into this. If not treated on time, he would have either gone into coma or suffered some kind of paralysis. Thank God, he is fine but the enemy which needs to be treated is this anger and agression, which could have costed him his happiness for life.

I too need to tackle my anger because i do not have a very strong heart and it cannot take this much stress. So just avoid conflicts and agrression. It is easier to have straight forward confrontations. Happy festival season.

Day 31- Feeling sick

Hey!!
I almost slept through out the day. It was a lazy day, may be because of the periods. Two-three days back, some of my friends were sitting around and we were talking about something called 'Penis envy'. This term was part of Sigmund Freud's pscyhoanalysis (might be factually wrong). According to Freud, women suffer from 'penis envy'. I do not know exactly what he meant by that but something like women feel less compared to men because of not having a penis.
Also he mentioned something like women generally strive for men's attention and that is the reason they pay excessive attention on their looks, dress and makeup while going out.

He is correct but this is not only true for women, we can generalize it for both the sexes. Anyways, so one of my friends asked this question, do you actually envy it? And this is the reason I am writing this post, because i really don't know. Also the problem is why this question is only about men and women, there are other genders as well. Not every gender feels inferior to men. So this generalisation of Freud is completely wrong and biased, set in patriarchal mindset of his days.

There have been times when i have felt the need to be more like men because they enjoy this hegemonic position, which we are bound to envy. There have been occassions when I have questioned why girls have to go through this monthly ordeal of periods where as boys have no worries like that. Also there have been times, when i have just wanted my breast to just disappear because of the way men look at them and i still want that.

But i have never envied their masculinity, it is helplessness of my own feminity in such situatons which i have questioned. Everything has been unfair from the start, my brother getting more freedom, the physical pains associated with being a women, the fear felt due to the constant attacks of men sneering at you.

And this brings me to Freud, how could he analyze what women felt without ever going through it. I think only a women could have expressed these inequalities in a better way and not in the male terms like he did. Rather then 'penis envy', it should have been something like ' more gender neutral if a women or some one who went through it actually would have described it. But then world has always been unfair to some, those who really need to speak, never get the chance.

Bye!

Day 30- A month ago

Hey!
It is the 30th day. I did this for the whole month, a good start!! 
It was an enlightening day, got to know a side of myself I had never seen before. You always know new things about yourself with every passing day. Journey is not only about exploring life and others but also about finding yourself. I feel I am on track. Touchwood!!
It is 15th today, no 16th, I did not notice it is already past 12. Tomorrow is mummy's birthday. I have never been much of a gift giving person, only to very close ones. But this year I gifted things to many people I would have never bothered otherwise and also took gifts from some I did not want to. This is the reason I hate taking and giving gifts. It becomes an obligation after a time and I hate it.
Most of the people close to me, their birthdays fall in these months, so these days are little special for me. I have been thinking of writing a letter to Akshay for a long time. Only thing i fear is that he will probably not reply and that will break my heart. I have always wanted to write letters to someone, who would reciprocate in the same way. But never found anyone. There is an old time charm about letters.
I watched this serial once, 'Durr-e-Shehwar', it had a sequence of letter exchange between a father and a daughter. I just loved the way they exchanged their in depth feelings and love through letters. I was in the awe of it for a long time, and I still am.
I started hating letters when I had to write letters to my  chacha and chachi forcibly. I always wanted to write to someone i could relate to and writing to them was a big burden. I was quite young back then, perhaps im 5th or 6th standard and i was asked to write letters to them, telling them how I missed them and blah blah. Some day i will tell you the story, why i was made to write those letters. But this didnot mean i hated letter writing, i loved it but never got a chance to write them to right kind of people.
I also loved this movie I watched once, the name I cannot recall right now, in it two strangers start to exchange letters through pobox and become pen pals for life. I haven't found my pen pal yet but the hunt is on.

Bye!!

Day 29- Everything has a start

Hey!!
Mummy sent me a picture today, which had a picture of many vessels lying together and all of them were upside down. In the caption, it was written you will find every vessel upside down but you have to look for one amongst them which is not upside down. I looked for it and found one. Then I read the caption further and it said now when you will look at the other vessels you will find them all lying in normal position. I looked at the picture again and even if I tried hard to see them again as upside down, I just could not.

This is how life is, at times you find everything is imperfect and against you. Then one day a door opens, or an opportunity arrives and your life starts to looks beautiful again, your positivity returns. The same way round are your relationships in life. You like someone and you like everything about them. Later, when you see one fault in them, everything about them starts to appear negative.
It is all about perceptions. If you look positively, you find it and if you do not then everything turns negative. Today I might be looking at things negatively but tomorrow I might not. The idea is to develop the art to look at things in a good sense and then the zestness  of life will always surround you.
Happy thoughts!!
Bye.

Day 28

Hey!

Time does not wait for anyone!! I have realized that but not accepted it. Somebody said to me once, perhaps he was quoting somebody else, it was something like, ‘if you are finding perfection in every thing, or any profession, you are bound to fail.’ 

I am struggling with that very thing. So far all I have been doing is seraching for that perfection. But I am failing miserably. There is no thing as perfection. No claims of Plato or any of the thinkers to find perfection or perfect knowledge is complete and devoid of any reality. 

This takes a lot of time to understand but it is not hard. 

But i feel it is impossible to give up on this. This one thing, I have craved for all my life so far, to find that perfection, joy and peace. I don’t know whether I will ever succeed or not. But i do not and won’t give up on it, no matter how much people continue to discourage me. 

Day 27

Too tiring!! I have been up for too long and I was not expecting to give in this much of effort to this project. But I had to, no other option. I said yesterday I have some things to say.

One of my good friends, texted me asking how I was?? I met him through facebook only and we have met twice or thrice. And since then we have been good friends. I tell him things quite openly. Generally, i do not hide my feelings or opinions from anyone. So i never had a problem telling him anything. He knows I loose interest in things easily or you could say I have not found my true passion for anything. I have been switching from this course to another and professions also for years now. 

People here do not accept that easily. It might have been more acceptable somewhere else. So he asked me about my plans on marriage. I said I do not know yet. He said I fear that you will not stick to him (my boyfriend). I asked him why do you think so?? I wanted to know why anybody would think like that about me even after knowing me so well?? He said because you give up on everything. 

I know I do that but I was astounded and sad with that reply. I do not know whether it is a problem, something normal or abnormal? I once watched this video, Ted talks video which was forwarded by a friend. It talked about multitalented people. 

It talked about how I was not abnormal but multitalented, which was something normal for people like me. Though, I try hard to believe hard in this but there are so few people to support it that i am not confident about it anymore. And, when questions and expressions like this come my way from friends, i again turn melancholic. I am back from where i started, still trying to understand what really life means to me and how I would want to live it and spend it. 

Day 26

Hey!!

How do I start today? Inhave two- three thoughts going on in my mind for the past few days and I am thinking about talking it all. Not everything in this post, but in the days to come as well.

So, it all happened when I was working with ABP news channel. I was assigned reporting. I use to go everyday along with one cameraman, driver and camera equipment, to the field. This one day I was assigned with some story but I had to go with another cameraman, not the one I had come with to the field that day. Some mis-communication happened and this new cameraman did not bother informing me about his where abouts and about his assignment with me. When I got to know, i informed my senior that so and so happened. So, this cameraman got angry and when he met me in the evening few days later, he threatened me indirectly. He said soemthing like I carry a gun and can use it anytime I want and some other shit stuff. 

I did not know what to do about it. I informed my reporting head and she called him up and gave him a good shouting, he never dared to talk to me again. 

But the point which I want to make is I was working there for the  past 4 months and I was not aware of my rights as an employee. Luckily my boss was a lady and she made it a point that the particular cameraman never misbehaves again. I was never assigned with that cameraman again. Yesterday I was reading about the origin of ‘Me too’ campaign and the ongoing seige in bollywood. Plus an article was there on Sexual harrasment at workplace act. All I know is while I was on job, I was not aware of this act or how and when I could use it. What are the situations when I am expected to complaint so that unusual behavior liket this happens. And, what according to them is the defintion of sexual harrasment? Being a journalist, I was not aware of anything, and I expect there would be millions, who do not know iota about this act? Then what is the point of enacting such lawss when people are not aware about it or would never know how to use them. My office gave me and internahip every work detail and every department but they did not have any orientation class or anything even near to that on my rights as a employee, on this act or anything which would make me feel secure on a workplace. 

There is a huge need of not just talk but about awareness as well. 

Bye!!