Day 25

Good morning!! 

So i have moved onto mornings for writing these days. It is good morning. Though I am having a slight difficulty in answering some weird questions but then I will have to atleast for some days. 

The mood is great, still i would want to write about some hypocrites. There were certain people in my life who were too sweet to me to handle and then turned venomously ugly. The problem is confrontation is over but still that one pretends to be sweet at times and bitchy at others. 

I really do not understand such people. Do they do this for good impressions or what? I don’t know. I mean you always either hate a person or like a person, ye in between wala, I do not get. Anyways my advice would be itna pretend kroge toh kaam nhi chalega. But the irony is ‘kaam chalta bhi aise logo ka hi hai.’ 

Anyways I am going, Bye. I am having some issues with wifi. So i don’t know when I will be able to post this. 

Day 24

Shit!! I don’t know when i fell asleep last night. I forgot to update, I don’t want to fail in the challenge so I am posting this one up, really early. So what should i tell?? As I am up early and i can see the morning sun, i feel very lively. It is little cold I am still on my blanket but the door to the balcony is open so cool breeze is coming in and I can see how green everything looks in the morning.

I am not much of a morning person. I have always liked to sleep in the morning and let it pass till it becomes the afternoon. But there have been days when i have been awake all night just to see the morning sun rise. This one time in chandigarh i was up all night and then around 4.30 i was about to sleep. I went out to fetch something and i saw the little shimmery orangish light slowly going up from in the mountains. I could see mountains from the place i was staying in then. I saw that beach scene and i just could not go back to sleep again for two hours. I just sat there and kept lookinh at it. I am not a morning person but i do love mornings. Every now and then i need to see one, to realizehow beautiful this life can be. 

Bye !! 

Day 23

 Another day, another test!!

Today everything was calm after all. I went to Saket mall today and this movie was being played in the, so i stopped to watch the movie. It was E.T.- The Extra Terrestrial by Steven Spielberg. It is a kids movie but i enjoyed watching it. It was way too emotional. An alien is left in on earth and he meets this cute little boy who tries to hide him and protect him. It reminded me of Hritik Roshan’s ‘Koi Mil gya.’ 

I am just furious with Bollywood’s commercial non-creativity, which only revolves around money. The connect i could make with that child in the movie, i could never do it with Hritik Roshan’s character. They should have stuck to the original if they were copying. I means kids would have enjoyed much more if a small child had played that role. But no! In bollywood it is all about casting the famous stars, no matter how unfit they are for the role.

That was it about the movie. Yeah one suggestion i would give everyone is to please watch Spielberg’s ‘Schindler’s List.’ It is one of the most creative, well directed and great movies, I have watched till date. 

Bye

Day 22

Hey!

Long day and very eventful or rather a better expression would be tragedy laden. I shouted at some of my classmates for something which I don’t know was whether right or wrong?? But I have a feeling that if I would not have done that, i would have continued feeling weak. May be the overall behaviour was wrong!! But not what I said? 

I just did not want to get into a fight but at the end of the day, my temper follows me where ever i go and eventually it happens. I have this problem i cannot keep my feelings hidden for long. If I do not believe in something, or someone, i can not hide it for long. I will express it through my behavior or with outbursts like these. I think that is how things work with me. Whether one likes it or not, that is not my problem. After all I am not here to pacify everyones demands out of me. I am here for  myself and that is how I go? 

This same thing happened with me, when i was taking coaching. I had this really bad teacher, who had just started teaching. The teacher I had joined for stopped teaching altogether and had put this new one in his place. I saw this new teacher teach for one day, 2nd, 3 rd and 4th day. Then i avoided class when he was taking. Many students found him faulty and attendence for this teacher declined. In two or three days the old teacher came to the class and asked what problem do we have from the new teacher.? I got up and just said that the new teacher is not efficient, he has not yet learned to teach (if it is a skill). Plus he does not have any coherent lecture structure and he skims through notes before dictating a line. Overall he rabbled and i had not paid my fees to help learn somebody to teach especially and be an experiment for him. I don’t know what he thought about me. But i am just happy, i said what I wanted to.

Day 21

It was the worst day ever, nothing can be worse than this. I want to let all go. But then anger will just continue to pent up. I hate this teacher of mine. I think he is the worst worst teacher ever. Stupid, idiot, jerk, filthy, leering man, who talks nicely only to girls. I am not saying all this because he said anything to me but he behaved rough with a friend for all the wrong reasons.

I want to say so many things to him. I want to call him all the names in this world I can, Bastard, asshole, fucker, etc. etc. I don’t wish to see his face in my life but I have no option. Wish! God would grant me just one wish and I will just wish for him to disappear in hell. He is much more dirty than a dirty rag. I can only think of abuses for him right bow and nothing else. So, I will just stop here and continue tomorrow. Bye!! 

L

Day 20

Hey!

Usually, I am sleepy around this time but today I cannot even think of anything other than good sleep. Unfortunately i cannot, i have to help with the compilation of my group research project. 

It is always difficult to work in groups. There are around 8 people in my group and almost everyone is not willing to take the intiative to take this project in the right direction. One person did but he was cornered down by some when  criticism came their way. I wish it was an individual thing or less number of people were involved. It would have been way better. 

And this brings me down to the conclusion why Marx’s communism is such a failure because something held in common would always suffer. If it would have been an individual thing, people would have made much more effort. All the groups in my class are having similar issues of non-participation. Irony is some of the member are self declared ‘leftists’, which pokes me to ask them do you even believe communism can work successfully when it failed to work in a group of 8 peole. I just wonder! 

M

Day 19

Great day with great food. I went out for dinner today. Though nearby only but this place is very cosy and food is too tasty. Once in a while, i like to go out of campus. Other than that, met many friends today, usually i meet one or two persons (same ones) everyday. Nice change!

Anyways, going ahead, i donot have much to add on. I did watch ‘Manikarnika’s’ trailer today, not very happy with it. There is too much of Kangana Ranaut on one screen. I do not get it, whenever people make biopics, directors tend to forget people that will get bored with the same person’s face coming up every other second. They fail to comprehend this thing and do this repeatedly. This is the reason, i hated ‘Sanju’ ( for that there are a number of other reasons as well)  so much. 

I am also not a big fan of biopics usually. They tend to tell the whole story from one person’s face while there are others as well who contribute to it and make it a wholesome life. Usually it is the role that person plays in society which sums up his life. The individual alone will not generate interest in everything. 

Any great king could not have great by his own virtues only, behind him stand his employees, his family, his teacher and many others, who play a role in his becoming, what is aspired for? 

Directors today forget that. I like stories which are more in documentary form, which tells you a story through others and leaves you with a thirst to know more. Films unlike documentaries, try to fill you up with everything and you do not feel the urge to know more about it. Anyways if I would have been a moviemaker, I would have followed the later trend. Bye!! 

Day 18

I have crossed more than 15 days and i am looking forward to completing this challenge, full 365 days. I got up really late today, around 1 in the afternoon. Since I have come to JNU, i have seen many people who criticise me for  waking up late as if I am wasting my whole day.

I don’t get it, if i slept around 7 in the morning, how can one wake up at 9 in the morning or whatever is their standard of getting up on time!! I was having a conversation about this with a  friend recently and he said people judge you by your routines. How can one tag a person as less ambitious or lazy or insincere (i am using these words because they have been used for me, indirectly), just because the other person is little unorganised, irregular or not a morning person? I have always seen people who get up early criticising others for not being early birds? 

I don’t get it, just like your gender does not define your strength or weakness, in the same way your unorganised life should not bother anyone. I hate such judgementalists. I have only one thing to say to them, you only need a reason to look down upon others. 

I have seen most creative people in this world with the most unorganised sleep patterns and lives but still the excel. I am not trying to make a generalisation here that the regular ones do not make it to the top. Then why do they have to? I just don’t get this hypocrisy. 

Also, i have been told many times that I am boring or not so full of life because I don’t go out much. I don’t get it. I don’t like going out much. I need a place to converse with people I like, for that I don’t have to necessarily go to fancy places and eat. I can have the same conversation over a cup of tea (at a dhaba) then over a 300 rupees coffee. I don’t like fancy places, more importantly i don’t like the idea of travelling to far places. I donmt want to be criticised for my lifestyle. Please stop doing that. I go when i have to. I am just bursting with anger today, so I am stuck with this thing today. 

I am a person who likes mess, i like unorganised things, i like things when they are just lying around and not in their place. Order makes me feel chaotic and chaos in things makes me calm. How hard is it for people to understand? I just don’t get it. 

Day 17

I am awake at 4 in the morning. I hate doing this but then there are days when you can't sleep and are binge watching your favorite shows. It was not a very great day. I want to write more but I really feel sleepy now. So i am just going to end it here and would continue with something interesting tomorrow. And, like everytime when I am about to end, something comes up and i continue this.

It is about relationships. I am not in a very good phase of my relationship. It is going through a rough patch right now. It has always been, I donot know whose fault it is? But i just feel sometimes it is your destiny which pulls you apart. I thought a lot about it today but i JUST DON'T KNOW how to put it in words. There are some pent anger, remorse and love lost between the two of us. We do not really match up on every issue, there is a huge communication gap. Most importantly, we have not met for more than one and a half year. Long distance is hard. There was a time when I use to think what is so hard about it? And, now I know. It is just hard to carry on something which you cannot rely on completely. I can call him up, tell him everything but the presence is missing. Same goes for him. We can be there for each other but then we cannot be everywhere. I hope it is just a phase and it will pass soon. I did not want to write about this here but then I know it is more like a personal journal and less like a blog. 

Day 16

It was a normal day. I have not much to say. I have an exam on Monday morning and the day was spent mostly revising the old concepts. This one thing has been bothering me which I cans share, it is the  ‘permanence’. I ways thought once you like or start to hate (strong word) something, it will be like that forever. But no only change is the permanent thing. Be it mentally or physically, feelings and body degenrates and regenerates on it’s own, it  is cyclical. Nothing will stay the same.

I can think of this line by Rumi which was something like ‘whenever i step out of the river and step in again, it is not the same river, it changes.’ It is quite disheartening. Love, hate, people dear to you, friends, partners, family and emotions, no one will be there forever. Then why do we bound ourselves in emotions when you know it won’t last long. The pain that will follow will be unbearable and still we go on with life. Every man/woman knows this and still they continue to forge bonds and try to live life, the way they know it best. 

I on the otherside try to and pretend to be detached, i hava no control over it but still i try to. Because i fear, what it follows. More pain!! 

Day 15

Everytime i sit to write, I go blank. The whole day I keep telling myself, I will write about this, i will write about that and when I actually start, bland!! I hope this happens with all those who write regularly. There is one thing which has been on my mind the whole day, so i will talk about that only.

I watched this movie called ‘To the bone’ today, i was just looking for soemthing to watch and then I just came across this one. I watched first ten minutes and I was hooked to it. It was a about a girl, who named herself ‘Eli’ and was suffering from anorexia. I could relate to it because over the years I have taught myself to dislike food. I loved sweets once and now I can not even bear a bite of anything chocolatey, sweet. I loved coke (Soft drink), chips and butter when i was in my teens and now I hardly touch them.

It is not like I am loosing my weight drastically and I don’t eat at all or i exercise a lot but I have lost my taste forever. I only eat for the sake of eating and when I am hungry. But looking at Eli and other people in her group, I was horrified. I could have been there if I had not stopped myself. I still remember those days when i use to walk and walk and practically lived only on tea. I use to cycle a lot and eat only two chappatis a day. And then one day I blacked out, while getting up. I hurt myself pretty bad on head and neck. This happened once again and I somehow felt that i should not completely quit eating. 

I will not say I live a completely healthy lifestyle now but now i go out and eat. I take my meals regularly, though i have lost my taste for food completely. I never drool for food. You might call it healthy but i will still call it sick because it is what we live for ( I am just saying this, i don’t practice it) and I have lost interest in this very important thing only.

When I watched Eli or Ellen today, i saw my craziness in her. I use to count calories of everything i ate in a day and kept myself in check to not to eat more than 2,000 calories a day. This problem I guess many teens go through, and it happens with societal pressure. It is mostly not even questioned or considered unhealthy because our society has set these standards of thin and fat, where thin is compared to beauty and fat with ugliness. I won’t say I am completely cured because still I go crazy if my weight goes over 55. And i do not how many are struggling over this, just like me. 

This problem which society, parents and us all do not understand has completely gone unnoticed by others as well. I am sure many can relate to my story. And, i will blame all this on the idea of beauty which this society has set on us. Fair complexion, thin body and  decent character are the attributes set for girls ( boys too), which one finds very difficult to distance herself from. I am also a victim of it and has also given my tacit consent to this structure which allows it to perpetuate.  I just hope  to take it back some day, when I will understand completely how unnerving, unhealthy and sick it is.